the reason I am awake at 12am on a college night, baring in mind I actually want to go to college tomorrow, is because I decided to be dumb as fuck and have an energy drink today. Now those of you who don't know or who have barely read my blog (shame on you) I have a heart condition, and what's one of the main things you shouldn't do with a heart condition?! Drink energy drinks! But hey who doesn't want a quick burst of energy during a dragging day at college.
So yes I decided it would be a fantastic fucking idea to drink a monster energy drink (at least it wasn't red bull) but still, I was fine throughout the day buzzing my tits off which is supposed to happen but at 8pm when I'm trying to have an early night and settle down, I didn't expect my heart to do what it's been doing for the past 5 months anyway.
As soon as I start to drift off to sleep, my heart decides to slow the fuck down, like waaaaay down than it should, and it decides to stop, causing a shock in my system waking me up EVERYTIME and everything going numb. People may now be going 'she's over exaggerating' well okay then you try having this for 10 years and not being fed up of it.
what is upsetting me was I let myself have this energy drink, knowing that I shouldn't have, and knowing that it would turn out this way, even though I hoped I'd be okay, I'm not. And what makes me even worse is that it's my good friend Chloes birthday on Wednesday and tomorrow we were gna have cake and what not, giving presents etc. but my heart might not let me do that, I've been off most of this year from college because of this damned thing, and I'm pretty much getting angry and upset about it all the time.
I can't control the way it works, it won't fucking listen to me, it'll never listen to what I tell it to do, all I can do is try and control it by taking tablets but clearly they're not working anymore either.
It's a shame that I have to live with this thing, but it doesn't help that I make mistakes that make it worse, I shouldn't blame it really I should blame myself, and I am which is why I'm so upset, but I can't sleep and I'm terrified that if I do sleep I won't wake up again because it'll just stop.
I hope people understand.
MK x
