WHOS MISSED ME HA!
so um yeah, as my title says i am still alive...
*ah ah ah ah staying alive staying alive*
WELL... my operation wasnt successful AGAIN 5th time UN lucky, but apparently *says the doctor, whilst i was in shock from my op* they have found exactly what the problem is, i dont know the full summary yet but apparently there must be no more problems as he said that theyve finally found out what the problem is!
Where do i start? Wednesday the 2nd i went in, well... we went to bristol early for Archies scan, and we found out (GOOD NEWS YAY) that the left side of his heart (which was the problem, he has Hypoplastic left heart syndrome, and a narrowing of the arch) is growing WITH the right, but is still small, but its not disintergrating or anything which is really good news! he will still need operations when hes born, but the doctor seemed please with the results, the doctor which i had the pleasure of meeting throughout my whole stay in the hospital (one night)... ANYHOO... archies appointment was in the morning, and mine wasnt until 4 oclock, which kind of meant i had a shit load of time to deal with.. as i shown you in my last blog i didnt stay in bristol (i also bought a lovely warm bomber jacket which i wear EVERYWHERE) i came back home, to spend one more night here... (im pretty sure i wrote a blog about it, i think i did)
ANYWAY... the next day, was my operation day, i wasnt first on the list Savannah was, which is nice to kind of not have to rush, but it sucks because i had to wait for ages. Then again i dont really mind, either way both me and Savannah are safe now :)... But yeah, so we left for bristol at about 5 oclock in the morning i think, maybe earlier... and we travelled down to bristol, baring in mind i went to bed at midnight and woke up at half 1 from panicking too much because i was worried and it all hit me at once (my own fault of corse)...
ANYWAY by the time i got to bristol, we were unpacking the car, and we had some time before to go into the main hospital to see if costa or any of the shops were open and they werent until 9, i really wanted a coffee:( baring in mind i wasnt allowed to eat from midnight last night, and had to have my last drink at 8! so yeah we went into the main hospital for a while, came back out to take my stuff out of ciarans car... Whilst doing this, ciar bent down to get something out of a bag, i didnt realise he was still there, so i decided (STUPIDLY) to slam the boot shut and it hit ciaran on the head, and at first i said sorry but i didnt think it would be that bad as ive seen him bang his head on the car many of time... up until it started gushing with blood, and i went white... I thought ciar had concussion, i thought OMG THIS DAYS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT ME WHAT IF CIARAN DIES... obviously that was a joke guys... but seriously, it was so good that we were right next to an A&E, but by the end of it ciar got bored, it stopped bleeding and he went to tewkesbury's doctors instead, and they put some superglue on it, im sure if mum had superglue on her person she would just do it, but she didnt, and it was a shame... i would of liked to see that.
So that was the beginning of my day! apart from that, i signed in, i sat in the parents room from 7 till about 12, and by the time i got in my room it was time for me to go down to theatre... i told myself from the beginning i wouldnt cry, but as soon as i got told, i burst into tears... The thoughts going through my head were, what if i dont wake up, what if mums left on her own, what if this what if that, and to be honest im glad that anesthetist gave me a morphine valium mix to calm me down before anesthetic. So i lay down on the operating bed to get my drip and stuff in, the guy gave me this mixture before my anesthetic, and i cant even remember how many times i told my mum i loved her, i really was terrified, but in about 4 minutes (to me it felt) i would be awake again....
And i was.... 10 hours later...
Jesus H, i literally didnt realise how bloody late it was till the anesthetist came down with his bags and his normal clothes on, i woke up in shock, i was shaking continuously, my ass was in so much pain, but chest was in pain, i wanted my mum, i needed my glasses, i needed a pee, i needed a drink, i wanted to just scream personally... but apparently i was quite calm, strangely...
This time though i was glad i was kind of sat up, i did enjoy being sat up more than lying down, i had the same holes ive always had, and i had the canula and everything in my hand still so i knew i was safe. Doc Walsh came down with my mum and i have never been so happy in my life, i just wanted to get up and hug her... He had a word with mum, basically told her it didnt work again and told her the next op would probably mean a pace maker... apparently i made a comment saying 'i fucking told you i needed a pace maker 3 years ago' Which was very rude of me but because i couldnt remember, it didnt happen (even though my mother insists it did)
ANYHOO... my recovery went okay personally, i went straight back on my meds which was great, and i was gone the next day, even though i had bed sores on both my arse and my ankle, which is still not fully gone but was so painful it was unreal! No problems other than that, and the fact that they eventually have found after 9 years of poking and proding around my body, that it was the AV node, which (now ive read back on my notes) they actually discovered it 3 years ago...
Im home now, and ive never been so happy to see the end of an operation, i was so quickly stressed this time, unreal really i thought i wouldnt be but i was, but im glad again my mum was there, and still is there to help me through it.The first couple of days at home was dreadful, i could barely walk and my ass was getting worse, the warm cloth at bedtime helped though, and sure enough its nearly gone, it does cramp up now and again though but nothing like it was doing. As you can see to the right >
these are my wounds so far, i have the normal ablation leg ones which i always have anyway, you can see the scars from my others... and theyve only just started badly bruising, and then i discovered (once i came out of drugs and anesthetic (which still isnt fully out of my system in the nicest way possible)) i have a scalpel cut on the top left of my shoulder, and a puncture on the top right which i suppose was to help with the operation a bit more to get behind the heart. Other than that, no more wounds apart from two canula holes on my arm.
The only problem i did have was 2 days after my operation, i started having arythmia, now my heart rate is ALWAYS on meds from 70-90 beats per minute, but it was going really low like 56-60 and i was starting to get worried, thankfully after i took my second lot of meds of the day, it died down and touch wood it hasnt happened since.
Only today ive felt a bit chirpier, i got up and about today, and also went out for a bit it was nice to have the fresh air, but i am absolutely bombed now, my leg is in alot of pain from the bruising and healing, and to be honest even my chest hurts... i think i might of gotten too much air. But apart from that, im not fussed it didnt work again because i know for a fact that it wasnt going to, the only thing i am fussed about is whats going to happen next, and how bloody tired i am!
What is going to happen next (short summary from the doc whilst i was recovering from shock) was in 2 years time (so ill be 20 :O ) ill be having another operation *sigh* this one although, is alot more risky in a way, which i hated to hear but hey if you gotta hear it you gotta hear it... better knowing the worst than being told afterwards.
In 2 years time, ill be coming back to the dear land of bristol hospitality. I will be having another operation, which is alike to the one i am having but theyll only be using the cameras or something and using another electrical pulse thingy through a machine which is very strange (again once i get a full summary ill try make sense of it and post it) but anyway, that will happen and its a 50% chance that itll fix the AV node with no problems, but again its a 50% chance of heart block, and a definite pace maker either way by the end of it, whether i like it or not personally..
I thought thinking 'oh finally a pace maker!' would make me happy, but tbh it does scare me, yeah its in 2 years time, but a pace maker is a big thing and i have to fold my life around it, and bend it in ways i havent done before, i have to change alot, and it is a big deal... but if it fixes what ive been suffering with for 9 years, id be happy enough to have it.
This is what is helping me through my recovery, ive noticed so many people moan about their problems in life, and yano what alot of people now a days do have MAJOR problems... You shouldnt let your past get the better of you, it doesnt necessarily mean you are weak, but it will stop you from progressing into the future one way or another. And like i said alot of people have problems, but there is always someone worse off. For me its nice to know i have this safety net of Bristol Hospital, whether ill be in the childrens or in the big hospital, because there alot of people out in the world who dont have that advantage, or dont have the money for that advantage. It is definitely for me, a success either way for my next op, but alot of people in my hospital at the moment (childrens) have never felt success, because there life revolves around the hospital system, and alot of the children are from babies to toddlers.. The parents are working round the hospital routine, and alot of the parents in there are stronger than ever, they do break down and it does happen because unlike me, alot of the time you dont get the news of success, and they have to try and find happiness in the smallest of places, and the good thing is, is that i do see these parents smile, and i see these kids smile, and its a wonderful feeling to be surrounded by happiness, even in the darkest of places.
Remember that guys...
IVE MISSED WRITING SO MUCH!
STAY RAD mk xxx
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