Well fancy seeing you here | 19th January 2015 | in need of a catch up? \m/

Hello there fellow darlings.

Oh how long it has been since ive wrote an entry, i do apologize for the inconvenience i have definitely been more busier than i expected to be when i started up this blogging account.

As you all know i am a College Student, and its that time of the year when mocks and assessments are due in and are to happen pretty soon. For me i started up a new lesson which i was greatly excited about, its Criminology Unit 1 and its so interesting yet so prolonged, i dont know how i handle a full 7 and a bit hours of doing it! All worth it in the end though if im planning to go to UNI i guess. It consists of 2 controlled assessments in order to get a degree in it, the first unit you have to pass before getting into unit 2 (obviously) but its all quite simple if you listen carefully to watch the teacher says and study as much as you can. The 'exam' if you could call it that, consists of a computer based essay of a type of brief, weve been given what our brief would be about, which is Euthanasia (if none of you know what Euthanasia is, then google it, its such a wide range of words that i cant even be bothered to spell out but it is very controversial in some cases and such a good argument to put in an essay!), we have to write about the biological, individualistic and sociological theories that is based around crime, and also mention how to prevent it, or how to legalize it? this is the argument, we are supposed to show our opinions, and base it around our the way that they can be identified and controlled. Its all very wordy-wordy in a non linguistic way, but it is extremely interesting, and it is also extremely easy! if you know what youre doing obviously, because you can take in all the different types of notes, and textbooks and work that youve printed off for revision as long as you know what youre looking for! So thats one thing thats been keeping me busy, including the start of A2 Media!

There has also been a lot going on at home, as you know with my dad, and also with my 18th!, Christmas, New Years etc, all the main holidays that has passed during the missing days of my entries. So where shall we start?

My 18th was amazing, it was on the 20th of December, and i got spoilt by lew and my family, the thing is i didnt want to be spoilt i just wanted a happy day with the people that i loved, the turn out was much bigger than i thought it was going to be, alot of my brothers old friends came round my house before going to the pub, and both my friends becky and jess were there who made the party even better, a long with my mother getting very drunk and not leaving the dance floor! but other than that it was a wonderful day, i didnt do much else, it was my 18th after all and i didnt even get ID'd! the thing is alot of people asked why i didnt go clubbing, i feel as though a lot of peoples brains are clouded by the excitement of going clubbing, not only would it be uncomfortable for me to be in, because of the confined spaces, and no breathing room whatsoever, so why would i enjoy it? with my heart aswell as my small irritation level and the fact that most clubs in cheltenham are surrounded with people in tewkesbury id rather not bump into every tom dick and harry in the club thanks, id rather have a nice quite night with people i enjoy being round at a pub with a cold pint and some good humor, than get dressed up to a suitable level in which im allowed into an actual club, thats what annoys me, you have to have a certain dress sense to actually be allowed in, but anyway like i said i dont think i would enjoy clubbing, just being able to go to a pub and feel comfortable enough buying alcohol is what im happy about. 18 isnt a huge number in my eyes.

5 days after that it was christmas and what a day that was! we had the whole family over at 6oclock when conar finished work, again we had to wait but it didnt matter, we all spoilt eachother and i think we all needed it this year, weve all been through alot, especially with everything with archie and i got to spend his first ever christmas with him! he was so cute, although he didnt understand what any of the presents are he sure seemed excited about what was going on! he is starting to understand the means of his presents now though, for a four month old baby he is growing fast!! constant trying to stand up and trying to roll over the little bugger, but yeah christmas was great, mum made the best dinner as always because shes wonderful!

And a couple of days after that i was on the train to Bath with lew! first train journey and i have to say i did enjoy it in a slightly awkward way, i sat on the wrong way of the train twice, which made me feel extremely sick, but i enjoyed it, in some weird way a train journey helps to clear your mind in a weird way, just looking out the window and being on a moving train, and also sat with a book in my hands, its the calmest way to take a journey. Lewis booked an apartment in the middle of bath town center and it really was a beautiful place, we had to self cater but it was nice because it seemed as though we were living together and thats always nice, we didnt do as much as we wanted to but it was a nice new year spent, apart from lew missing the countdown, that was hilarious. We went into the town, bought alot of movies chilled out watching the movies, had alot of dinners at our 'local' which is what we named it after finalizing that that was the best pub around to eat and drink in, best woowoo's ive ever drank! and we watched the football and had our new years meal there and it really was a lovely holiday, a nice getaway from the annoying bussel of tewkesbury, although it was only two nights, but unfortunately we had to come home at some point and again it was a calm train ride home, weird waking up in my own bed still in some weird way as it seemed so much of my own in bath.

After coming home not much happened, apart from more ruckus over family matters, i dont want to fully go into it but its still not sorted, and just trying to get myself back into a college routine as it takes me so long to do so, i can never get used to the timings on having to get up, or what essays i have to finish, i feel as though i have way too much work to remember for my exams, at least one of them is a bit easier than the other, i also have GCSE to pass, which has already been messed up once again! The teacher we had, Ian, he was okay but before christmas he stopped coming in and at the beginning of january he didnt turn up at all, and therefore we didnt have a teacher, a few of my friends had a serious conversation with our tutors and attempted to try and get a sub for our lessons, and we finally had a lesson today, and the teacher was awful, we stuck on one piece of paper for the whole entire lesson, and you know what it was such a waste of time! all about angles and we didnt even get answers by the end of it! she was more worried about her pencil cases being in exact order as they were when she gave them out.

At this precise moment in time, im in bed in my pyjamas, writing this (obviously) and watching criminal minds, and even writing back on how my last couple of months have been, i really do worship the people in my life, and appreciate everyone that is in it, i know for my family it has been a rough couple of years, and i cant even begin to think our strong we all are, more than ever, and i think this year will be our year, it definitely will be my year.

Im going to try so hard to be happy this year, and try to get my life sorted, college, career and everything else, and i hope family will be alot happier and calmer this year, i cant promise it of course but there isnt much we can do apart from hope. I feel alot more happier, and we have a plan sorted for how were going to do things from now on. We're also going to Ireland at some point this year, to see the rest of my family and spend some time with them, which im very much looking forward to. And im happy because lew is going to texas to see his dad, and he seems very excited and happy about it, it may be going over our 4 years but truthfully i dont care, i feel like its gotten to the point in our relationship when if something that you are doing makes you happy, that makes yourself happy, and he is so happy to be seeing his dad (and eating the american food haha, thats why i love him). As you can see, me and lew are both very well and we're doing brilliantly:)

SO

I hope you have all enjoyed the lonnnnnnggg catch up of the last couple of months, and also i hope that you will all be happy to know ill be blogging as much as i can now! and i will start up my writing of alice again when i have some time!

I hope all of you havent forgot about me and are still interested in what im doing.

STAY RAD GUYS \m/

MK x

Catch up! | 29th November 2014 \m/

Hello beautiful people!

Its been a long time since i last blogged, and i apologize for that, but its been extremely hectic in the house the past couple of days!

We've been moving a lot of stuff around, including getting my mums room upstairs sorted, and the library moved into the family room, it feels so nice having my babies (books) back inside, because now theyre warm not damp! it still isnt 100% finished but i feel so much better for getting the house sorted before christmas, well be doing the painting and wallpapering after christmas though as thats just way to much effort!

As i said its been hectic, i started my criminology course and ive been definitely enjoying it, and also been watching criminal minds to get me into the spirit, and it definitely works tbh its a pretty intense offender profiling tv show, and its something id love to do when im older.

Anyway along with the criminology i have my other lessons, and loads of coursework to get done aswell so ive got all of that on my back. Aswell as christmas!!!

Who is excited for christmas? i am, im so fucking excited, i have so much planned for christmas its insane, were having a DIY christmas meaning all out decorations are gna be made which i think will be really fun to do, i may even put some recipes and ways to make christmas decor on my next couple of blogs, but we have christmas and my birthday coming up! my birthday coming first obviously, its my 18th and im so excited, i dont know what im doing yet but all i know is that ill be consuming alot of alcohol.

Anyway thats not what i wanted to talk about in this blog, in this blog i want to discuss a series of videos im going to be doing on my YouTube account!

VLOGMAS \m/

Its a very knowable youtube thing, alot of youtubers do it, i wanted to start doing videos for a while, but havent had the courage nor ideas to come up with videos to put on! and because christmas is coming up what more to do than make daily videos of my life and how i deal with things! and also videoing putting up the christmas tree, making decorations, baking etc, also doing some shopping and doing the food shopping for christmas dinner! and obviously recording christmas day!

hopefully after that ill be able to do some more videos and be able to carry on my youtube career as you would say lol, probably wont get as big as Alfie Deyes and Zoella though! i think itll be fun!

anyway thats all i have to say for this catch up but ill make sure i blog every end of week! PROMISE.

Stay rad guys \m/

MK x

Just a thought | wrote on the 1st

So im sat in the beefeater in Bristol, and were talking about what genetics we have in this family and how much of a difference it makes about future generations.

We have three people in my generation who have heart problems my, my cousin John who sadly isnt with us anymore had a narrowing of the pulmonary artery, and his valves were back to front, then i have my cousin Matthew who has widening of the aorta, and my nephew who i am in bristol for, has a narrowing of the aorta, so they are all in the same category which is quite strange, as they arent all alike really, but they are in the same scientific category. Then my heart problem, is a functional problem, my AV node isnt working as it should be and its causing problems with my electrical pulse, i basically have blinds instead of shelves in my AV node. But all of my cousins had their problems from birth, and my diagnoses actually is supposed to be diagnosed in the womb but it wasnt. I got diagnosed when i was 8 and it was basically when i hit puberty when things kicked off.

This to me doesnt make sense at all, archies cord blood has been sent off to test for genetic things going on in it. It doesnt truely make any sense to me, as im the only one whos quite unique with it.

I think when i next go to ireland ill have to go see the documents place and see how my grandparents and great grandparents died, and see if theyve got anything to do with hearts.

Well then my day has been really good, found out my nephews heart operation went successful only for him to recover now, hopefully he takes it well but tomorrow we will find out more. I have a pretty good feeling about everything right now, i mean its going to be hard couple of weeks and it has already been a hard couple of days but things are pretty okay right now.

Things are hard in life, and you have to put your trust into people but sometimes its the best thing that can happen for the health of someone who is capable of looking after them and knowing what theyre doing medically. Its a major thing that some people have to go through, and it helps to mature you for the rest of your life.

So guys my point is today, there are points in life where you think its so bad you just want to give up, but just like my mum and ciaran and ash with archie, sometimes theres that one person that makes you realise how important life is, and how short of time ou have it for and no matter what other people think of you, its who matters the most whos opinions matter.

Stay rad guys
MK x

Its been a while | Catch up!

So hey guys hows it going?

You probably dont remember who i am, if anyone is interested in that matter lol but i am back with vengeance!

No im not but i am going to start writing more, i feel so full of so many emotions its too difficult to keep to myself anymore.

Im feeling the need to be open about my feelings, and what is happening in my life at the moment.

My nephew has been born, and its already as troublesome as we thought it was going to be, but he is beautiful though, absolutely wonderful boy, beautiful infact.
This is him \/

He is the most beautiful thing ive ever thing, though i might be being biased because im his auntie. But he is a wonderful strong boy, and hes big! which is good because that means hes stronger than we all thought he would be, you usually connect 'diagnosed ill babies' as being really small and barely breath by themselves, but he can, infact he breathed by himself ever since he was born. They also got to hold him which is amazing, they were told that they may not be able to and they did, alot of times so far, and the doctors have explained the speel to ash and ciar.

I cant explain or even express how proud i am of both of them, and of archie because they are being so strong for him even though they cant do much right now. Alas i know how it feels to not be able to do anything for someone, as ive been in hospital too and i fully know archies situation, although he hasnt got a clue whats going on.

they did a scan on him to see fully whats going on in his little body, and the left side of his heart is worse than we expected, but not as bad as it could be. The arch is still narrowed, and they hope to just pop some bands and balloons in the left side to help it be that little bit stronger. But its going to be a tough couple of days, couple of weeks for that matter, because of what has to happen, but he is amazing, mum went to see him today and got to hold him, and he was fine.

I know for a fact that he is in the best place, i can trust bristol childrens with my life, if they havent given up with me for 9 years i doubt theyd ever give up on archie or any baby that goes there.

So yeah quick update guys
Archie-Jack McMillan, 24th of September, at 8:58pm.
7lb 13oz

i love you little man.

Stay rad guys
MK x

Chapter 4 | Fanfiction of American McGee's 'Alice Madness Returns' \m/

Chapter 4 – Rutledge Asylum 

November the 4^th , probably one of the worst dates of my life. I was transferred from Littlemore Infirmary, to Rutledge Asylum where I’d undergo tests on how my mental state was handling things.

And there it was again, the daydream. After so long without having it, it finally came to me; the bright colours, the wonderful views. But for some strange reason it wasn’t the same, it was darker, sicker. 

The dream came to me whilst I was in a stretcher on the way to Rutledge, but I didn’t travel to it down the rabbit hole. It seemed like I was there for a while, and that I never left. Its beguiling fragrance now distinctly suggests a decaying corpse. I found myself on the side of the path near the hatters tea party table and cottage. But for some reason I couldn’t see it, there was no table to be seen only broken china cups and saucers everywhere. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw it, the once colourful exciting place where I drank tea and ate muffins and talked about how wonderful this and was, it’s all gone, as if there was some massacre or fire… a fire?! What if the fire that happened in real life, caused it to have an effect on my dream state, maybe I ruined wonderland and killed all the animals and people with it, what have I done?

I woke up with a sudden prod in my arm, as though I was just drugged… turns out I was, it was some sort of anaesthetic to help me rest easy but to the point to put me to sleep. My Doctor, Heironymous Q. Wilson was the person to take my examination first, and he presented me blind, deaf and dumb just like the nurse in Littlemore did, but I wasn’t and I don’t understand how they haven’t classed me as normal yet! I could hear every word they were saying, and I could speak but I just haven’t tried to yet. The drug they gave me numbed my tongue and for that I wasn’t able to talk but make noises, which clearly made me sound a little bit mad… okay maybe very mad but still, I wasn’t blind nor was I deaf! Don’t know about dumb though, didn’t really have a maths exam to test my knowledge.

During my examination the drugs they gave me caused me to talk for the first time after a couple of hours of it wearing off. 

‘Wonderland’

‘Alice… must save… Wonderland’

I bet my doctor thought I was fucking nuts… oh god did I just swear?! My mother would not be happy, then again she never was happy...

Sorry about that, so yeah I started talking about wonderland, I couldn’t help it, it wasn’t my brain speaking it was something else, something inside me bringing out these words and thoughts of Wonderland, why do I need to save it? What’s causing me to say these things? I wasn’t even saying it in my accent, because I’m from oxford, and my father was a teacher I spoke very highly, and I spoke very ‘posh’ as such, but not extremely like some sort of rich kid. And when I was speaking about Wonderland, I talked in a grumbly accent, a very slow calming accent, it sounded so familiar. 

After many examinations, my Doctor could finally cut down words and sentences and even paragraphs of my outbursts of my ‘insane fairy tale’

But what he didn’t know was that whilst I was supposedly ‘muttering’ these words of wonderland, I was experiencing every single bit in day light circumstances, I was in wonderland… whilst my eyes were open, meaning I was awake the whole time. I couldn’t see clearly what was happening, but I could see that wonderland was getting darker and sicker again but this time there were different creatures, almost like someone is creating them.

There were dolls, a lot of dolls, dolls that I’d never seen before. They were half dead mostly, some of them not even walking straight due to no eyesight. But they were covered in red, yet it wasn’t blood? Because they were dolls, and for some reason they were trying to attack me. Everywhere they walked, the grass became darker, and mossier almost as if the dolls were creating death as they walked. 

There were other things too, before I was about to wake up, there was this human like creature, dressed in a deep blue blazer and a bright red tie. At first glance he looked like a human, he had snow white like skin, and as skinny as an anorexic on a good day, but there was something different. After a while of trying to clear my mind to help clear my vision, a sudden shock went through my system when it turned out that this humans face was one of the Jabberwocky face! 

My heart started to beat faster as the creature began to walk faster towards me, stumbling on uneven ground as though it was a toddler, its hands transformed into long, slimy claws as though it was in a battle with a slug. Blood red eyes were staring right through into my soul as I heard its breath getting louder, and it sounding more hungrier by the second, whilst drool was dripping down from its snake like mouth. 

‘You selfish, misbegotten and unnatural child! You smelled the smoke, but you were in dreamland having tea with all your lovely imaginary friends. You couldn’t be bothered. Your room was protected and spared while your family upstairs roasted in an inferno of incredible horror! It was all your fault Alice Liddell, it will haunt you forever’

At this moment in time I knew then that the Jabberwocky was a manifestation of the survivor guilt over the death of my family, did he not know that I knew it was all my fault? Was he not smart enough to realise that I knew the death of my own family was going to haunt me. My mind was already making up stuff when they were alive, I don’t know what my mind is capable of.

At this point I jolted awake as they were trying to put leeches on my skin to anger me, they thought the leeches were why I jolted, but much to their annoyance it wasn’t. I was still non-responsive.

‘In all my years here at Rutledge, ive never seen anything quite like it, no treatment seems to move her! I thought I had her when we put the leeches on her’

‘When I hold a flame to her dark blue eyes nothing in her vacuous gaze betrays the faintest glimmer of response’

‘I clap a pair of blocks at her ear. Nothing’

‘On some nights, she howled like a banshee!’

‘She is far, far gone, this one'.

I wasn’t gone, I was still here, I just didn’t want to wake up yet.

Chapter 3 | Fanfiction of American McGee's 'Alice Madness Returns' \m/

Chapter 3 – Littlemore Infirmary

Oh what great words from my beloved Doctor at the hospital I was taken too, of what I can remember my diagnosis was that I fell into ‘catatonic state’ and the reason of the fire was apparently because Dinah knocked over a lit oil lamp. But as I said earlier, no fire hazard was lit? And there were definitely no oil lamps near Lizzie’s room, so I don’t quite understand how they came to that conclusion.

I was at Littlemore Infirmary for about a year, whilst my third degree burns were being healed, and even though I was irresponsive with the nurses and doctors, I still was very thankful for everything they had done for me. When the skins on my hands were healed I could feel the rest of my body, and although they were brittle as carps scales, I was feeling them in some happy way because I survived the flames of my own home. Once I realised I thought this, I remembered that Mother and Father were dead, and Lizzie was gone, and my whole family home and memories were burnt away in the darkness of my mind. 

Everything was too bright for me to concentrate on the room, my head was spinning from all the meds they have given me. Even though I still couldn’t move, my eyes were healed but not enough for me to see clearly. I remember one of the nurses who was surrounding me whilst I was covered in bandages, and she said that I was blind? Well I wasn’t, so she was lying, i couldn’t see exactly clearly, but i could still see, maybe id have to wear glasses for the rest of my life I couldn’t care at least I was still alive. 

The room was a bright blue colour, but I suppose it seemed brighter because I haven’t had my eyes open in a while. As I was only 7 I was in the Children’s Infirmary part, which was well known for its brightly painted walls, with different animals and types of fish painted all over them. For some reason my room didn’t have any animals or fish in them. Maybe it was because I was in the burns unit and they just thought ‘oh they’re unconscious they don’t need to see any animals’. I was very nicely treated by my doctor especially, he took a liking to me due to my determination to feel better about myself, and to try and heal quicker. But for third degree burns it was obviously going to take a while before I was fully healed enough, plus I had to ‘learn’ how to walk again, as such. 

Spending a year at an Infirmary whilst the rest of your family is dead is quite hard, especially when no one has even bothered to visit. As far as I know I do have other relatives such as my Grandparents on my Father’s side whom are still alive. I have lots of cousins which I know are obviously still alive, and I also have aunties and uncles who are alive too… yet no one seemed to visit me.

As far as I know my grandparents have talked to the doctors about ‘how long I have left’ as both of them pretty much were positive that I was going to die, they already had a coffin picked out for me. Which I suppose means they did care in a harsh certain way, they also asked about my parents and sister which I happened to be awake for.

‘Do you know what caused the fire Doctor?’

‘As far as we know, our conclusion to it is the cat Dinah, knocked over a lit lamp near dear Elizabeth’s room, unfortunately there was no way we could have saved Lizzie as she was the first room to become in taken with flames’

‘What about our son and daughter-in-law?’

 

‘I’m sorry Mrs Liddell, there was no way we could have saved them’

‘Why did she have to live, why couldn’t it have been my son?!’

Oh that’s great grandma thanks for that, she hated me. Ever since I started having these ‘daydreams’ she thought I was part of a ‘clan’ of witchcraft, and she thought I was possessed and that’s what caused me to have these ‘dreams’. But she’s obviously wrong because I’m clearly not a witch. She didn’t even come in to see how I was doing, nor did she leave anything like flowers. 

‘Her mind is still frazzled by the fire, whether her body is healed or not. She was in a catatonic state she needs to be sent to Rutledge’

Chapter 2 | Fanfiction of American McGee's 'Alice Madness Returns' \m/

Chapter 2 – The Fire

My house was beautiful, it was big enough for the four of us and our beloved cat Dinah. It was a two-story building with enough space for an attic. The front door was pure white, with no marks, and wooden with a large four-piece decorated panel. I never paid attention to detail on the way the front door was, but after a lot of visions of my old house, I realised it appeared to have a stone/brick base with a wooden deck. The second floor where all of the bedrooms were, were panelled with white, while the roof was a browny/black colour with several spikes at several edges. My door and Lizzie’s door was a lot different to my Mothers and Fathers, as they had balcony doors inside the house. Another thing I remember distinctively is that every lock for every door was different, and every key was a different shape or made of different material, I don’t know why my parents would have done that. 

You are probably wondering why im talking about my house in the past tense, when I was a very young girl, after all the visions and dreams were long gone and forgotten about. I must have been about 6 or 7, and to this day I still cannot remember what fully happened, all I know is that my 18 year old sister’s room was locked, my parents rooms were locked, and the house was on fire. Everywhere flames, it seemed to have happened in the matter of minutes during the night, everything was red, and orange and too bright of a colour for me to see. My room was the only one unlocked, and I tried to open my parent’s door, but it just wouldn’t budge. Lizzie’s room was the first to go up into a raging inferno and to this day I still don’t understand why, she was the furthest away from any fire hazard, and it spread from her door outwards. Lizzie NEVER locked her door, I remember one day she had an argument with my mother over having a lock on her door, whilst at the time my mother was quite surprised she still wouldn’t give into Lizzie in taking it off, she thought it would have been a good idea if someone ‘broke in’ but said it in a way that she knew something would happen. This is one of the reasons why I cant remember what fully happened because so many different newspaper stories and so many different lawyers and councillors told me different scientific facts that I didn’t even care about. All I know is that deep in the darkness of ash and this magnificent broken down building, I could still hear my parents screams, but in some strange way can never remember hearing Lizzie at all. Dinah, my wonderful black cat helped me break free of the house, its as if she already planned an escape route. I didn’t want to leave, my family were dying but for some reason something told me to leave, that memories were important pieces of the past, and that it was part of my ‘prophecy’ of some sort to survive from this.

‘No response still Dr, third degree burns, blind, deaf and dumb’ 

‘How could she have survived such a tragic fire? All of her family is dead’

‘This is going to take a while’

‘Why wont she let go of that rabbit? Its in tatters!’

‘Alice… Alice if you hear me you are in Littlemore Infirmary, you are very badly burnt and you will be here until you are healed fully, were sorry Alice. Unfortunately, you and your cat Dinah were the only ones to survive the fire. We will try give you the best support we can, just stay strong’