To start off this post i want to just talk about the elephant in the room, the idea that i haven't blogged in about 100 years is ridiculous but it almost feels that long also.
Sitting here, with a cup of tea, after trying to fall asleep for 3 hours, has to be for something... right? The idea of sleep is a question to me, the reason for sleep is a question to me, i only sleep after doing heavy night shifts and being exhausted from them. If i wasn't so exhausted i would be up 24/7.
Alas, my brain is full of troubles and worries? is it? what is it thats in my head? does anyone else get to that time of the month (and no i dont mean that one) but almost like the year has hit you like a bus all of a sudden? I've been trying to get round my head how i've passed 2nd year, and i am now onto my 3rd and final year of university, the idea of a dissertation, the idea of final assignments, the idea that i haven't even started yet and i cant wait to get back to it. Being out of uni for some people is great, its freedom to do what you want (in any old time), to not have to worry about exams or assignments or going to lectures, but for me it makes me feel almost out of proportion? like my life has just been put on hold because i dont have assignments to write, i dont have exams to study for, i dont have lectures to attend.
I can't be without a routine, i think, i mean i have a routine with work, but thats only 16 - 20 hours a week, i have a routine around seeing my other half, but thats when i get to see him, but it almost feels like somethings missing. Now its not like i dont have work to do, i have plenty of work to be doing, especially regarding my dissertation, but i seem to have come to a halt in my brain mechanics. When youre room starts to become the mess that your brain is in, then maybe you need to stop and have a think about whats going on. My room has been a mess all month.
I've seemed to have discovered that every so couple of months i feel down (down, but definitely not out). I don't have a reason for it, nor can i even begin to think why i am down. There are many things that take over our lives in which makes you feel as though so introverted you actually prefer being on your own. Recently i have noticed i can't quite get into my books, i dont quite know what video game i want to play, i dont know if i want to watch a TV show or a movie, i've just constantly been sat on my phone scrolling through the same social media apps every night and day trying to figure out what im missing.
The issue im having tonight is exactly what i've just explained, i miss the routine of university, i'm constantly attached to social media, scrolling through, especially at night time just watching stupid videos of the littlest things that usually never interest me.
I forget that i went to blackpool almost 3 weeks ago and spent a lovely week away with my family, bar getting extremely sick and missing the last 3 days of consciousness due to drugs, i forget that i do have dissertation work to get stuck into and to be able to keep myself busy, i have a whole library of books and things to keep my mind racing of ideas, but instead i choose to be on social media scrolling through fake lives, fake posts on instagram, and wishing that i would finally get where i wanted in my life.
Maybe in my mind, its the fact that its my final year of university, its the fact that even now i dont quite understand what im going to do when i finish, whether my grades will be enough to have the job of my "dreams" or to get as far as i would like in life. Maybe its because im worried that second year will be too harsh and to much for me, that my dissertation will be awful and that ive forgotten every single thing. Maybe its because being out of uni i dont feel myself, i dont feel like i have the education in my brain anymore and i dont feel like i can tackle third year the way i want to.
Or maybe its just because i'm having a bad month.
Feeling introverted, and insecure is a terrible feeling, i wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy, but ive come to the realisation that scrolling through social media feeds most of my day and into my night has not been helping. I'm missing out on alot of things that i could be doing all because i want to read the latest gossip or watch the latest videos on instagram.
The one thing that brought me back to reality tonight was the sound of laughter coming from my nephew who was only throwing up in the early hours of this morning, and it brought the thought to me that even in the most sickest times my nephew still has the energy to laugh at my mums silly antics. Also the fact that medication can do a wonderful thing to children.
I'm going to spend more time reading, doing some work every now and then, going for walks or drives to clear my head in clouded moments, and using going to bed as a wind down instead of a wind up. Spending less time on my phone and more time in the real world may help me to feel less introverted and more myself.
As i sit here, writing this, watching fantastic beasts and where to find them, i feel thankful for the access of writing that i forgot i had on this site, whether people read it or not, i like to think that people feel related to what i write, and understand that maybe if they are feeling down, it only takes a minute to step back and realise the outside of that little tiny machine that youre missing.
I hope youre all well, and i hope you read this with some insight into feeling that youre maybe not the only one who has tough months, read a book, play a video game, write something from the heart. It helps.
Stay rad
MK
\m/
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