Catch up! | 29th November 2014 \m/

Hello beautiful people!

Its been a long time since i last blogged, and i apologize for that, but its been extremely hectic in the house the past couple of days!

We've been moving a lot of stuff around, including getting my mums room upstairs sorted, and the library moved into the family room, it feels so nice having my babies (books) back inside, because now theyre warm not damp! it still isnt 100% finished but i feel so much better for getting the house sorted before christmas, well be doing the painting and wallpapering after christmas though as thats just way to much effort!

As i said its been hectic, i started my criminology course and ive been definitely enjoying it, and also been watching criminal minds to get me into the spirit, and it definitely works tbh its a pretty intense offender profiling tv show, and its something id love to do when im older.

Anyway along with the criminology i have my other lessons, and loads of coursework to get done aswell so ive got all of that on my back. Aswell as christmas!!!

Who is excited for christmas? i am, im so fucking excited, i have so much planned for christmas its insane, were having a DIY christmas meaning all out decorations are gna be made which i think will be really fun to do, i may even put some recipes and ways to make christmas decor on my next couple of blogs, but we have christmas and my birthday coming up! my birthday coming first obviously, its my 18th and im so excited, i dont know what im doing yet but all i know is that ill be consuming alot of alcohol.

Anyway thats not what i wanted to talk about in this blog, in this blog i want to discuss a series of videos im going to be doing on my YouTube account!

VLOGMAS \m/

Its a very knowable youtube thing, alot of youtubers do it, i wanted to start doing videos for a while, but havent had the courage nor ideas to come up with videos to put on! and because christmas is coming up what more to do than make daily videos of my life and how i deal with things! and also videoing putting up the christmas tree, making decorations, baking etc, also doing some shopping and doing the food shopping for christmas dinner! and obviously recording christmas day!

hopefully after that ill be able to do some more videos and be able to carry on my youtube career as you would say lol, probably wont get as big as Alfie Deyes and Zoella though! i think itll be fun!

anyway thats all i have to say for this catch up but ill make sure i blog every end of week! PROMISE.

Stay rad guys \m/

MK x

Just a thought | wrote on the 1st

So im sat in the beefeater in Bristol, and were talking about what genetics we have in this family and how much of a difference it makes about future generations.

We have three people in my generation who have heart problems my, my cousin John who sadly isnt with us anymore had a narrowing of the pulmonary artery, and his valves were back to front, then i have my cousin Matthew who has widening of the aorta, and my nephew who i am in bristol for, has a narrowing of the aorta, so they are all in the same category which is quite strange, as they arent all alike really, but they are in the same scientific category. Then my heart problem, is a functional problem, my AV node isnt working as it should be and its causing problems with my electrical pulse, i basically have blinds instead of shelves in my AV node. But all of my cousins had their problems from birth, and my diagnoses actually is supposed to be diagnosed in the womb but it wasnt. I got diagnosed when i was 8 and it was basically when i hit puberty when things kicked off.

This to me doesnt make sense at all, archies cord blood has been sent off to test for genetic things going on in it. It doesnt truely make any sense to me, as im the only one whos quite unique with it.

I think when i next go to ireland ill have to go see the documents place and see how my grandparents and great grandparents died, and see if theyve got anything to do with hearts.

Well then my day has been really good, found out my nephews heart operation went successful only for him to recover now, hopefully he takes it well but tomorrow we will find out more. I have a pretty good feeling about everything right now, i mean its going to be hard couple of weeks and it has already been a hard couple of days but things are pretty okay right now.

Things are hard in life, and you have to put your trust into people but sometimes its the best thing that can happen for the health of someone who is capable of looking after them and knowing what theyre doing medically. Its a major thing that some people have to go through, and it helps to mature you for the rest of your life.

So guys my point is today, there are points in life where you think its so bad you just want to give up, but just like my mum and ciaran and ash with archie, sometimes theres that one person that makes you realise how important life is, and how short of time ou have it for and no matter what other people think of you, its who matters the most whos opinions matter.

Stay rad guys
MK x

Its been a while | Catch up!

So hey guys hows it going?

You probably dont remember who i am, if anyone is interested in that matter lol but i am back with vengeance!

No im not but i am going to start writing more, i feel so full of so many emotions its too difficult to keep to myself anymore.

Im feeling the need to be open about my feelings, and what is happening in my life at the moment.

My nephew has been born, and its already as troublesome as we thought it was going to be, but he is beautiful though, absolutely wonderful boy, beautiful infact.
This is him \/

He is the most beautiful thing ive ever thing, though i might be being biased because im his auntie. But he is a wonderful strong boy, and hes big! which is good because that means hes stronger than we all thought he would be, you usually connect 'diagnosed ill babies' as being really small and barely breath by themselves, but he can, infact he breathed by himself ever since he was born. They also got to hold him which is amazing, they were told that they may not be able to and they did, alot of times so far, and the doctors have explained the speel to ash and ciar.

I cant explain or even express how proud i am of both of them, and of archie because they are being so strong for him even though they cant do much right now. Alas i know how it feels to not be able to do anything for someone, as ive been in hospital too and i fully know archies situation, although he hasnt got a clue whats going on.

they did a scan on him to see fully whats going on in his little body, and the left side of his heart is worse than we expected, but not as bad as it could be. The arch is still narrowed, and they hope to just pop some bands and balloons in the left side to help it be that little bit stronger. But its going to be a tough couple of days, couple of weeks for that matter, because of what has to happen, but he is amazing, mum went to see him today and got to hold him, and he was fine.

I know for a fact that he is in the best place, i can trust bristol childrens with my life, if they havent given up with me for 9 years i doubt theyd ever give up on archie or any baby that goes there.

So yeah quick update guys
Archie-Jack McMillan, 24th of September, at 8:58pm.
7lb 13oz

i love you little man.

Stay rad guys
MK x

Chapter 4 | Fanfiction of American McGee's 'Alice Madness Returns' \m/

Chapter 4 – Rutledge Asylum 

November the 4^th , probably one of the worst dates of my life. I was transferred from Littlemore Infirmary, to Rutledge Asylum where I’d undergo tests on how my mental state was handling things.

And there it was again, the daydream. After so long without having it, it finally came to me; the bright colours, the wonderful views. But for some strange reason it wasn’t the same, it was darker, sicker. 

The dream came to me whilst I was in a stretcher on the way to Rutledge, but I didn’t travel to it down the rabbit hole. It seemed like I was there for a while, and that I never left. Its beguiling fragrance now distinctly suggests a decaying corpse. I found myself on the side of the path near the hatters tea party table and cottage. But for some reason I couldn’t see it, there was no table to be seen only broken china cups and saucers everywhere. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw it, the once colourful exciting place where I drank tea and ate muffins and talked about how wonderful this and was, it’s all gone, as if there was some massacre or fire… a fire?! What if the fire that happened in real life, caused it to have an effect on my dream state, maybe I ruined wonderland and killed all the animals and people with it, what have I done?

I woke up with a sudden prod in my arm, as though I was just drugged… turns out I was, it was some sort of anaesthetic to help me rest easy but to the point to put me to sleep. My Doctor, Heironymous Q. Wilson was the person to take my examination first, and he presented me blind, deaf and dumb just like the nurse in Littlemore did, but I wasn’t and I don’t understand how they haven’t classed me as normal yet! I could hear every word they were saying, and I could speak but I just haven’t tried to yet. The drug they gave me numbed my tongue and for that I wasn’t able to talk but make noises, which clearly made me sound a little bit mad… okay maybe very mad but still, I wasn’t blind nor was I deaf! Don’t know about dumb though, didn’t really have a maths exam to test my knowledge.

During my examination the drugs they gave me caused me to talk for the first time after a couple of hours of it wearing off. 

‘Wonderland’

‘Alice… must save… Wonderland’

I bet my doctor thought I was fucking nuts… oh god did I just swear?! My mother would not be happy, then again she never was happy...

Sorry about that, so yeah I started talking about wonderland, I couldn’t help it, it wasn’t my brain speaking it was something else, something inside me bringing out these words and thoughts of Wonderland, why do I need to save it? What’s causing me to say these things? I wasn’t even saying it in my accent, because I’m from oxford, and my father was a teacher I spoke very highly, and I spoke very ‘posh’ as such, but not extremely like some sort of rich kid. And when I was speaking about Wonderland, I talked in a grumbly accent, a very slow calming accent, it sounded so familiar. 

After many examinations, my Doctor could finally cut down words and sentences and even paragraphs of my outbursts of my ‘insane fairy tale’

But what he didn’t know was that whilst I was supposedly ‘muttering’ these words of wonderland, I was experiencing every single bit in day light circumstances, I was in wonderland… whilst my eyes were open, meaning I was awake the whole time. I couldn’t see clearly what was happening, but I could see that wonderland was getting darker and sicker again but this time there were different creatures, almost like someone is creating them.

There were dolls, a lot of dolls, dolls that I’d never seen before. They were half dead mostly, some of them not even walking straight due to no eyesight. But they were covered in red, yet it wasn’t blood? Because they were dolls, and for some reason they were trying to attack me. Everywhere they walked, the grass became darker, and mossier almost as if the dolls were creating death as they walked. 

There were other things too, before I was about to wake up, there was this human like creature, dressed in a deep blue blazer and a bright red tie. At first glance he looked like a human, he had snow white like skin, and as skinny as an anorexic on a good day, but there was something different. After a while of trying to clear my mind to help clear my vision, a sudden shock went through my system when it turned out that this humans face was one of the Jabberwocky face! 

My heart started to beat faster as the creature began to walk faster towards me, stumbling on uneven ground as though it was a toddler, its hands transformed into long, slimy claws as though it was in a battle with a slug. Blood red eyes were staring right through into my soul as I heard its breath getting louder, and it sounding more hungrier by the second, whilst drool was dripping down from its snake like mouth. 

‘You selfish, misbegotten and unnatural child! You smelled the smoke, but you were in dreamland having tea with all your lovely imaginary friends. You couldn’t be bothered. Your room was protected and spared while your family upstairs roasted in an inferno of incredible horror! It was all your fault Alice Liddell, it will haunt you forever’

At this moment in time I knew then that the Jabberwocky was a manifestation of the survivor guilt over the death of my family, did he not know that I knew it was all my fault? Was he not smart enough to realise that I knew the death of my own family was going to haunt me. My mind was already making up stuff when they were alive, I don’t know what my mind is capable of.

At this point I jolted awake as they were trying to put leeches on my skin to anger me, they thought the leeches were why I jolted, but much to their annoyance it wasn’t. I was still non-responsive.

‘In all my years here at Rutledge, ive never seen anything quite like it, no treatment seems to move her! I thought I had her when we put the leeches on her’

‘When I hold a flame to her dark blue eyes nothing in her vacuous gaze betrays the faintest glimmer of response’

‘I clap a pair of blocks at her ear. Nothing’

‘On some nights, she howled like a banshee!’

‘She is far, far gone, this one'.

I wasn’t gone, I was still here, I just didn’t want to wake up yet.

Chapter 3 | Fanfiction of American McGee's 'Alice Madness Returns' \m/

Chapter 3 – Littlemore Infirmary

Oh what great words from my beloved Doctor at the hospital I was taken too, of what I can remember my diagnosis was that I fell into ‘catatonic state’ and the reason of the fire was apparently because Dinah knocked over a lit oil lamp. But as I said earlier, no fire hazard was lit? And there were definitely no oil lamps near Lizzie’s room, so I don’t quite understand how they came to that conclusion.

I was at Littlemore Infirmary for about a year, whilst my third degree burns were being healed, and even though I was irresponsive with the nurses and doctors, I still was very thankful for everything they had done for me. When the skins on my hands were healed I could feel the rest of my body, and although they were brittle as carps scales, I was feeling them in some happy way because I survived the flames of my own home. Once I realised I thought this, I remembered that Mother and Father were dead, and Lizzie was gone, and my whole family home and memories were burnt away in the darkness of my mind. 

Everything was too bright for me to concentrate on the room, my head was spinning from all the meds they have given me. Even though I still couldn’t move, my eyes were healed but not enough for me to see clearly. I remember one of the nurses who was surrounding me whilst I was covered in bandages, and she said that I was blind? Well I wasn’t, so she was lying, i couldn’t see exactly clearly, but i could still see, maybe id have to wear glasses for the rest of my life I couldn’t care at least I was still alive. 

The room was a bright blue colour, but I suppose it seemed brighter because I haven’t had my eyes open in a while. As I was only 7 I was in the Children’s Infirmary part, which was well known for its brightly painted walls, with different animals and types of fish painted all over them. For some reason my room didn’t have any animals or fish in them. Maybe it was because I was in the burns unit and they just thought ‘oh they’re unconscious they don’t need to see any animals’. I was very nicely treated by my doctor especially, he took a liking to me due to my determination to feel better about myself, and to try and heal quicker. But for third degree burns it was obviously going to take a while before I was fully healed enough, plus I had to ‘learn’ how to walk again, as such. 

Spending a year at an Infirmary whilst the rest of your family is dead is quite hard, especially when no one has even bothered to visit. As far as I know I do have other relatives such as my Grandparents on my Father’s side whom are still alive. I have lots of cousins which I know are obviously still alive, and I also have aunties and uncles who are alive too… yet no one seemed to visit me.

As far as I know my grandparents have talked to the doctors about ‘how long I have left’ as both of them pretty much were positive that I was going to die, they already had a coffin picked out for me. Which I suppose means they did care in a harsh certain way, they also asked about my parents and sister which I happened to be awake for.

‘Do you know what caused the fire Doctor?’

‘As far as we know, our conclusion to it is the cat Dinah, knocked over a lit lamp near dear Elizabeth’s room, unfortunately there was no way we could have saved Lizzie as she was the first room to become in taken with flames’

‘What about our son and daughter-in-law?’

 

‘I’m sorry Mrs Liddell, there was no way we could have saved them’

‘Why did she have to live, why couldn’t it have been my son?!’

Oh that’s great grandma thanks for that, she hated me. Ever since I started having these ‘daydreams’ she thought I was part of a ‘clan’ of witchcraft, and she thought I was possessed and that’s what caused me to have these ‘dreams’. But she’s obviously wrong because I’m clearly not a witch. She didn’t even come in to see how I was doing, nor did she leave anything like flowers. 

‘Her mind is still frazzled by the fire, whether her body is healed or not. She was in a catatonic state she needs to be sent to Rutledge’

Chapter 2 | Fanfiction of American McGee's 'Alice Madness Returns' \m/

Chapter 2 – The Fire

My house was beautiful, it was big enough for the four of us and our beloved cat Dinah. It was a two-story building with enough space for an attic. The front door was pure white, with no marks, and wooden with a large four-piece decorated panel. I never paid attention to detail on the way the front door was, but after a lot of visions of my old house, I realised it appeared to have a stone/brick base with a wooden deck. The second floor where all of the bedrooms were, were panelled with white, while the roof was a browny/black colour with several spikes at several edges. My door and Lizzie’s door was a lot different to my Mothers and Fathers, as they had balcony doors inside the house. Another thing I remember distinctively is that every lock for every door was different, and every key was a different shape or made of different material, I don’t know why my parents would have done that. 

You are probably wondering why im talking about my house in the past tense, when I was a very young girl, after all the visions and dreams were long gone and forgotten about. I must have been about 6 or 7, and to this day I still cannot remember what fully happened, all I know is that my 18 year old sister’s room was locked, my parents rooms were locked, and the house was on fire. Everywhere flames, it seemed to have happened in the matter of minutes during the night, everything was red, and orange and too bright of a colour for me to see. My room was the only one unlocked, and I tried to open my parent’s door, but it just wouldn’t budge. Lizzie’s room was the first to go up into a raging inferno and to this day I still don’t understand why, she was the furthest away from any fire hazard, and it spread from her door outwards. Lizzie NEVER locked her door, I remember one day she had an argument with my mother over having a lock on her door, whilst at the time my mother was quite surprised she still wouldn’t give into Lizzie in taking it off, she thought it would have been a good idea if someone ‘broke in’ but said it in a way that she knew something would happen. This is one of the reasons why I cant remember what fully happened because so many different newspaper stories and so many different lawyers and councillors told me different scientific facts that I didn’t even care about. All I know is that deep in the darkness of ash and this magnificent broken down building, I could still hear my parents screams, but in some strange way can never remember hearing Lizzie at all. Dinah, my wonderful black cat helped me break free of the house, its as if she already planned an escape route. I didn’t want to leave, my family were dying but for some reason something told me to leave, that memories were important pieces of the past, and that it was part of my ‘prophecy’ of some sort to survive from this.

‘No response still Dr, third degree burns, blind, deaf and dumb’ 

‘How could she have survived such a tragic fire? All of her family is dead’

‘This is going to take a while’

‘Why wont she let go of that rabbit? Its in tatters!’

‘Alice… Alice if you hear me you are in Littlemore Infirmary, you are very badly burnt and you will be here until you are healed fully, were sorry Alice. Unfortunately, you and your cat Dinah were the only ones to survive the fire. We will try give you the best support we can, just stay strong’

Do you have any idea why a raven is like a writings desk? Chapter 1 | Fanfiction of American McGee's 'Alice Madness Returns' \m/

//This is my fanfiction ive been writing about the game Alice Madness Returns, it takes a different approach to the game in an emotional state but im writing it as though i was alice, ill be adding the chapters i have wrote, but will be adding chapters when i can :) i want to start writing again!

ENJOY//

Chapter 1 – The Dreams

It used to be some sort of weird dream I kept having as a child, of a place full of wonder. The sky was of a great teal colour, and the ground contrasted that with its different greens and yellow brick paths, unfortunately it wasn’t alike to the Wizard of Oz yellow brick road but it was close enough. As far as dreams go, they either go really well and you can’t remember them when you wake up, or they’re the most horrific images your mind could probably ever create or my mind at least. You see I’m one of those kids that your parents told to stay away from in school because I was ‘strange’ and that’s probably the nicest way they’ve put it.

The dreams that my mind created were of the same place, but the images of the colourful side to my dream land started to disintegrate slowly, and more and more often when I had the dreams, I barely got a glimpse of the beautiful land I once used to draw, and convince myself that was real. It was more blurred out and not as clear as they used to be, and I could never make out what was there. 

The first time I had this dream I was at least 4-5, it was a lovely dream to begin with but I knew from the start that it was a strange dream, and it more likely would transform into a nightmare. It always began with me falling; I was used to that… falling, it seemed like it was a place that I’ve been to before, almost as though it wasn’t a dream… it was a memory.

It seemed like it took forever to get to the bottom of this whole I always seemed to be falling down, as though it was the only entrance but surely there must have been another? It was like a giant rabbit hole, only bigger, in fact it was bigger on the inside but smaller on the outside, it was always hidden in different places of this field I used to play on. Oh I should probably explain more about who I am and where I used to live before I decide to tell you about my strange visions and for you to judge that I’m sort of ‘mentally ill’ girl, I was certified sane, eventually.

My name is Alice Liddell, I used to live in Oxford, near the Thames river in a large house with my father, Arthur who was a dean at Oxford University, my mother she wouldn’t want me to post her name on here, so we’ll call her ‘Mrs Liddell’ and my sweet older sister Lizzie, also not forgetting my cat Dinah. My mother was a strict woman, but she never gave up on us, no matter how frustrated she was when me and Lizzie never listened. Lizzie was an intelligent girl, not surprising seen as my father worked in Oxford University, she was a lot more intelligent than me as I had more of an imagination than attention span. Our father never taught us lessons, but we did get taught by our Nanny Sharpe, learning French and music. This was all before the fire, but that’s another story. My family was a pretty happy family, whether we had a lot or not. But as soon as these dreams began things started to change.

Carrying on with my description of this ‘wonder-land’ the rabbit hole that without a doubt I always fell down, was almost painted in black and white blocks of colour, almost like a dogtooth pattern. There were other things falling with me, like parts of furniture and large clocks, all types of clocks, stop clocks, grandfather clocks… you get the picture. And everything was falling fast, I was falling fast, but everything was going so slow, almost as though it was a really deep hole, or a never ending one at that. It was terrifying at first, but got more and more boring the fact that it never ended! After a couple of hours, it at least felt 4-5 hours till my feet hit solid ground. As most dreams go its pretty much what you want to see in the dream but in a different aspect, in my version everything was bright colours, and lots of flowers, and lots of places to go, but it still felt dark, and things were still hidden whether I knew it or not. I told my Nanny Sharpe about these ‘night’ dreams, and as soon as she knew for some strange reason I started to have daydreams of it, she also tried taking my mind of it and tried to teach me to play piano, but like I said earlier my attention span is of that like a goldfish. Nanny Sharpe started worrying as most nanny’s do, she began to tell my mother these daydreams I was having, and I’m sure my mother must of thought Nanny Sharpe was mad. The good thing about Nanny Sharpe is that she was never strict on forcing me to do things I didn’t want to do, such as the piano, I did try but my imagination caused me to rather concentrate on my art of ‘wonder-land’ than learn the piano. I always hung around with Nanny Sharpe, even though she moved to London and began a ‘whore-house’ as my father put it, later on in my life I practically called that place home. 

After a few of these ‘idiotic idea’s’ my mother used to put it, I decided to try not to sleep, I got very ill and it was probably the stupidest idea I’ve ever had, because it didn’t stop the daydreams. It began every day, and throughout the day no matter what I tried to do to keep my mind off it, I always slipped back into that ‘induced coma’ sort of thing where I didn’t talk or respond to anyone, but lay on my bed and thought of ‘wonder-land’. There were different areas of wonderland I always visited, alike to my cat Dinah there was another cat that used to help me find my way whilst adventuring around. He liked to be called the ‘Cheshire Cat’ I don’t understand why his owners never gave him a name, all I know is he was bright purple, and he smiled a lot… he also can turn invisible, which was definitely a strange thing to see. I enjoyed having him as a companion, as my cat Dinah never showed up in my dream, I found it difficult to get used to having a different cat as Dinah has been in my family for years, and she’s never died? Strange cat. Cheshire guided me to my first tea party, where I met the infamous Mad Hatter, and March Hare, they spoke in riddles and rhymes and most of the time I never really listened, but enjoyed the tea. At some points The Hatter went silent, and its strange for him as he never shut up, but without him knowing I watched him like a hawk, and he did a lot of staring at me. With his bright yellow eyes, and his green hair, it seemed as though we were attracted to each other in a way, but it seemed mysterious like he could look into my future and see the meaning of my dreams. 

They spoke of this woman called The Red Queen, and I suppose she was Queen of the Land, but I didn’t even know this was a land I thought it was just my imagination creating places in my head, everything seemed so familiar. The Red Queen was named ‘higher rank’ as the March Hare spoke, and for some reason her name sent shivers down my spine like she just walked over my grave. I also met the famous Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum who spoke also in rhymes and riddles; it began to give me a headache really. The bright colours, wide spaces and all these riddles that didn’t even make sense, it became to much for me, and for some reason my visions and dreams stopped of this peculiar land.

The last thing that was said to me was from the Cheshire cat, he spoke in a cryptic way, but not in riddles, in a way that made me listen, made me want to listen. His voice was husky, and almost calming in some ways, but yet very growly for a cat. ‘Only a few find the way; some don’t recognize it when they do; some don’t ever want to, memories provide important pieces of the past Alice, come back and visit when you’re better’ he said this as I woke up, I had no vision of what was happening but I could still hear his voice. It was the first time I ever woke up from a daydream, and afterwards I never dreamt at all, it was just nothingness.