October. \m/

Ive wrote and re-wrote this a million and one times, and i dont think ive quite got the hang of going over everything yet, now im not going to go all doom and gloom on you, as it is my first favorite time of the year (both halloween and christmas this close together? WHAT CAN BE MORE GOOD). But its not like this has been the easiest start to the month me, nor my family have had.

As i spoke about in the september blog, which seems extremely long ago (apologies on my behalf), i was going in for my 'final' heart operation, final being the most stupidest opinion i could have on my health. Knowing me, i had a slight thought in my mind that maybe, JUST maybe this would work, maybe my luck would be upon me, and i wont have to deal with this retched thing anymore. Alas, my luck was not, as it never is, and im back to where i started. But its not entirely a bad thing as i will explain...

I went into hospital on the 24th of september, my nephews first birthday, in hopes that it would be the last time seeing the bloody place, i was first one in surgery and the last one out, 11 hours in total. (another couple to add to the time spent). The plan was to spend 4 hours on the left side of my heart, to see if there was anything extra that Doc may have missed, as that part was all cobwebbed up for the last 3 years since my last Doc took a look, then ablate the AV node and fit a pace maker, easy as pie aye? Unfortunately 4 hours on the left side turned into 8, twisting and turning round the canals in my heart with tiny wires trying to look for the problem they once knew was there, but all of a sudden (like i said knowing my luck) it had disappeared, whereas a year before Doc knew 'EXACTLY' where it was. So 4 hours turned into 8, and 8 hours eventually turned into 11, with the panic of my heart basically thought 'FUCK IT NOPE NOT TODAY'. My heart decided to swell up, and my blood pressure dropped to an unstable level, so the plan of fitting a pacemaker went out the bloody window. My Doc (lets call him M) was accompanied by my old Doc (and him S) who has been treating me since my diagnosis at 8 years old, and my old Doc made the decision to stop, and not go forward with the original plan, which im more happy with, as he basically saved my life initially, by not fitting one. Now i appreciate everything my Docs have done for me, but i basically agreed to have this operation in order to get a pacemaker fitted and have this finally out of my system and not have to deal with anymore, but unfortunately M had wrote on the consent form the exact same thing that was written on the last 6, instead of what was planned in session. Although i am extremely thankful that they did not fit one, as it would have been an extremely bad idea (one i didnt have consent, so i couldnt have had it, and two my heart was WAY to unstable as per bloody usual, something always happens).

Now that was my operation, recovery was even worse, after 11 hours i woke up in recovery with a canula in my upper arm (which they didnt decide to tell me about until i noticed half drugged up that my arm was swelled up to shit and bleeding on the inside, i continued to move my arm up and down like it was completely normal. BAD IDEA MEG), i started to puke a couple of minutes after waking up, after being given anti sickness meds, and new heart meds to try out (new old ones, ones that were used YEARS ago before the dreaded flechanide took control of everyones lives), i puked from there till i was back on the ward, puked a bit more, then was completely fine after a bit, after 4 hours of lying down for recovery of my leg wounds, i got up and wondered about a bit, ate some food, sat down on a chair, then all of a sudden.. BOOM, more sick. It was that type of sick you can feel being digested up your esophagus and coming out of your mouth in green anesthetic/food type sick, and that just let hell break loose, the sickness was that traumatic it caused my heart to go into tachycardia, up at 175bpm from 80bpm, personally i think its because i wasnt on my normal meds to begin with, but it could have been anything that could have started it off, like the fact that it got an 11 hour beating by tiny wires and people in suits and masks, we will never know, my nurse Nicky, and the night doctor decided to ring M and ask for his advice, his advice was to give me my old meds and leave it two hours to see how it goes, for two hours my heart was beating out of my chest like a baby alien ready to be hatched, and i was exhausted, and from 175bpm in two hours it went down to 168bpm... So the result in this BARELY working, was like the scene out of pulp fiction where uma thurman overdoses on cocaine, and she has to have an adrenaline injection, \/\/\/\/\/

that whole reaction of her getting up and screaming her face off, that was nearly me... nearly. They didnt stick a giant needle into my chest thought... Instead they stuck a giant needle into my hand canula and it was the worst feeling that i have ever had in my entire life, i felt like i was dying, it was a giant burning sensation from m bicep to the middle of my chest then my heart restarted itself. It was the worst thing, but it worked, and thats all that mattered, i was out of the 175bpm area, and back into my normal 70-80bpm, and there was no more discomfort.

Afterwards my mentality was that it would come back, i couldnt sleep for the next 4-5 hours because i was terrified that it would come back again and id have to have that injection, to this day, 4 weeks later, i still have that thought in my head before i go to sleep every night, listening to the beats of my heart to make sure theyre steady and not going to go all over the place, but im back on my old meds and thats all that matters.

The plan now? well i have no idea, both Docs came to the ward before i came back up to talk to my mum over a few things such as they now think the problem is on the 'outside wall' of the heart which makes no sense, as it has ALWAYS been on the inside, always on the electrical part not he functional part, but i guess this may be the new start to something, maybe something else has occurred over the years of beatings its had and my hearts decided to be even more complicated, but im now going onto the adult hospital, the years of childrens hospital is now over, and i will definitely dearly miss that place, its a lot less scarier than the adult one, and the nurses have always been stars to me, but the adult side is now the best side for me, im back to Doc S in his care, and were going to start from the beginning, ive also made the adult decision to try the new (old) medicine for a trial week and see if that makes any difference, if not its back to the drawing board which isnt necessarily a bad thing, a new stage to it i suppose one last massive fight towards getting the best for me, whether thats pacemaker or new meds, i wont know until the 23rd of December when i have my first appointment, in the big hospital, with my old doctor.

Not only that, but a couple of days after recovery i came down with a facial paralysis problem called 'bells palsy' i basically look like this on the one side, im on steroid tablets for the facial nerve and i
\/\/\/

have three days left of them, yet nothings changed, ive been reassured by many that it will go away eventually, but until then it is extremely painful, and difficult for me to talk, eat, and drink (is probably the worst, i dribble like a baby), but ill get through it... like i always have done with everything.

Im not going to lie, my mentality towards all of this has really thrown me off the recovery process, more of the 'organising what im going to do being fixed' next year plan wasnt the greatest idea for me to do the week before my 'final' operation. But im slowly getting round the fact that initially my doctor made the decision because it would have saved my life, so i have to live a bit longer with this problem, and maybe try new ways of fixing it and prolonging the fitting of a pacemaker, its lucky enough im still here after 6 difficult operations, its more important that im still here with the problem, than not be here at all, and thats whats keeping my head level. Not only that but my mum has been exceptionally great, i honestly dont know what i could have done without her, shes been my anchor for all of this, and helped me to keep my head steady along the way, although its been difficult for the both of us, especially her as shes the one waiting around for news, or watching me struggle with the things i have to go through but whatever happens shes always there, shes there when i wake up and open my eyes everyday, every morning being home shes there, and i wouldnt have it any other way, even if i do wake her up at stupid oclock in the morning because i 'feel funny' and cant describe the way i feel, she is probably the best woman i have ever come across in my life, not because shes my mum but because of her thought processes and the way she deals with things, i love her more than anything, and i cant express it enough, none of us can.

But apart from all that dribble, ive successfully started a new set of zombie books called Surviving the Evacuation (INTENSE AS HELL AND I LOVE IT), and ive also successfully watched half the halloween films on my list, depending on if im okay to go to it, my friends mum is having a halloween party and im invited, and i have my outfit (take a guess, go on guess... no idea? OKAY ITS HARLEY QUINN OBVIOUSLY)), but it all depends on how i do with college next week, first time back in 4 weeks and im extremely nervous but excited to be stuck back into the routine. I also have successfully passed my Criminal Psychology (NCC) Level 4 course, and onto the forensic science course, and also signed up for forensic psychology, and identifying the dead forensic course! So all in all recovery has been successful with work wise, but only merely successful with everything else.

Im doing fine, im exhausted, but slowly does it i can get better at my own pace, thanks to everyone who has stuck by me in the process of this, including my family and a small amount of friends, but something like this happening in my life has definitely proved some peoples care towards me and my family, and the sides that they have chosen, and for them (who probably know who you are) fuck you and have a nice day.

Stay rad guys, its October! watch scary films, eat a shit load of candy, get shitfaced (if your old enough) dress like idiots, hail satan, camp out at a graveyard, !!!!!!but do NOT mess with ouiji boards!!!!!! (i put this because its extremely important and i am highly superstitious, especially on halloween) and enjoy life whilst you can, i definitely take every day as a gift now, no matter what gets in my way, i know that im lucky to still be alive and breathing.

MK x

WELL ITS SEPTEMBER. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. \m/

L

Good evening fellow readers, i am back for another massive rant towards the world and interesting things that are happening right now.

As you may or may not (depending if your a time traveler or not) it is September, which can only mean one thing.. WERE SO CLOSE TO OCTOBER. Now for normal humans, September means 'back to school', 'starting for university', 'starting heavy work on our jobs again', and finally the END OF THE SUMMER HOLIDAYS, for home owners and parents its some final quiet time needed after a long six weeks, and for me it means 23 days until my dreaded operation, isn't this feeling quite repetitive guys?

Luckily it isn't just my operation that is happening this month, there are many different things happening which im very excited for. As you all know i am a book lover, with a home made library and 100+ books covered on subjects between serial killers to peculiar children to scientific findings by the greatest minds in the world. At the moment, i successfully finished the first book of Miss Peregrines Home for Peculiar Children, by Ransom Riggs, which is based around a boy who discovers that his grandfathers fantasy stories of peculiar children with certain abilities and powers, becomes true and officially part of his world problem! set in the future AND the 1940s, and i have to say it was the most amazing adventure i ever went on (although it came pretty damn close than the first time i read harry potter, or percy jackson). This book combines a beautiful story of finding yourselves, and beautifully peculiar pictures that he collected from professional photograph collectors (which he also lists at the end of every book), i myself am an avid photographer, and these photos are so fascinating that i just want to collect some of my own and put it into an album. As i said i have successfully finished it, and now am onto the sequel 'Hollow City' which has been equally fascinating and intriguing, not only that, but i love the book that much that i have pre-ordered the third! (i have a book buying problem), and for a while now known that it is becoming a film, but only recently just seen the official photograph for it! BY TIM BURTON! one of my favorite directors in the history of crazy, fantastic films, what a good choice! I've already seen the cast list, and it is extremely alike how the actors connect to the characters in a personal aspect. IM SO READY!!!

Onto the theme of books, as i have been off all summer not socializing, as my heart has been EXTREMELY naughty and not behaving itself, i have been reading and window shopping for more books, although i do have a wide arrange of books now it is definitely difficult to find a book when your in that 'i dont know what type of genre im in' mood. After i finish Hollow City, i will be moving on to starting Artemis Fowl again, i epicly failed at it the last time and im determined to battle through the amazing book again! Last year i read the whole set of harry potter for my recovery so i felt like i should read another series, and i thought Artemis Fowl was the best choice, although i did think of reading IT by Stephen King, but it would give me huge nightmares of scary child killing clowns, and i dont think thats a fab recovery in all honesty! BUT not only am i going to READ Artemis Fowl again, but Eoin Colfer has just spoken about Disney making the FILM!!!!!! for so long i have wanted a film of the fantastic series, and fantasised about who would be who and now it is finally happening, and not only that but the director is the amazing Kenneth Branagh who directed THOR, as well as acting in harry potter as Gilderoy Lockart, what a fabulous year to be alive!

Not only books, but i have been addicted to watching movies recently, and not only that but there are a MILLION and one new films coming out that i am sooooooo ready for!!!! I have watched a quarter on the list i wrote for May, but there has been so many surprise trailers and announcements just recently come out!

How can i talk about september and not talk about the amazingly wonderful Tom Hardy being in a brand new film? I swear i have watched Mad Max over 100000x since it came out, and i dont even have it on DVD yet! But this wonderful man is bringing out a beautiful film about my favorite criminals that have ever walked the earth. The Kray twins. Yes people Legend is out on the 9th of september and i am so ready! So lets start with why i love Tom Hardy? or maybe there's less reasons for why my love for the Kray Twins is so large (only minor though!). Although they are named 'britians most violent criminals' I admire the Kray twins to the point where I would have loved to have met them, they were the smartest most loveable twins ever! How can no one see it (lol), although they were extremely violent, they were brilliant businessman although only one of them was the brains and the other the brawn. But how can it get any better than 2x Tom Hardy being in a film of my favourite gangsters? Not only is Hardy a very attractive human being who I am highly attracted to, he is also the most amazing and controversial actor out there, I mean who could act Charles Bronson to a T? Or bane, or any of the other amazing characters he has chosen to play in his years of acting! I first saw Tom hardy in his TV show the take, and was mesmerised by how fucked up he acted, not only that but how attractive he was as a thug! And from then I fell madly in love with him, with the way he acts and how much of a massive idol he is on people who grew up rough, which he also did. But yes how can I not talk about how excited I am about this film?! Extremely excited my friends, and I will definitely write a much detailed review of this film.

Now onto some serious details, yes I apologise the fun stuff is over, but how can I go without talking about the most serious thing that's going on right now?? My operation is 23 days away, not only that but it has fallen on the day of my nephews first birthday, now I don't know if that's good luck or that it's a pain in my ass, but don't freight my friends we have planned something for it beforehand! SEALIFE CENTRE! I'm so excited to take him to see the fishes, but I definitely will be protecting Ash from the Sharks! Not only that but the day before is the start of my diploma year of criminology! (I know shock horror I got good enough grades to get into the third year) and if you also haven't seen on my social networking (if your not following me then why not?) I have achieved a diploma in forensic science & profile, and also going to add a level 3 and level 4 diploma on to my CV, with criminal psychology and forensic criminology! How great is that? although unfortunately I have to retake my maths GCSE for the fourth time in a row, because somewhere someone is saying that all I deserve is a D and I can't get any higher or lower, FUCK YOU MATHS.

As I was saying before I rudely interrupted myself due to huge anger over the government grading system, but yes my operation is falling upon us very soon my friends, and I don't think I'm quite ready for it, they are doing something completely different this year and I may come out of it completely fixed in one way or another, pacemaker or no pacemaker. Unfortunately at this moment we don't know which, I am extremely worried about the outcome and my recovery but I'm feeling ready to battle this one last time with all my might (not that I'm doing any of the work, il just be dead weight on a metal table!) the recovery is also very difficult. After all the thought I've put into this one though, I am ready, and through everything I've achieved without being fixed I'm proud of myself and thankful for everything that's happening to me and happened to me, I am also very thankful for my beautiful family and friends who have stuck by me through all my shit, my moods and my giving up phases, they have always been there giving me strength when I haven't had it, and kept telling me that I could do things I would never have thought of myself. Yes my operation has stopped me from doing a lot of things, like gettin more piercings at a young age, or getting tattoos when I turned 18, or going out heavy drinking with my alcoholic friends, but being someone with a medical problem, I'm not that fussed, I've made my life happier another way and that's living it the way I want to. So what I just want to sit and read? Or sit and game? I'm happy, and for me finally I think that's all that matters. Fingers crossed this operation will go well if not you'll be hearing a lot of swear words from me in the next few blogs lol!

But hey it's September! It's a new month, it's only 15 weeks till Christmas (I think) and only 4 weeks and two days till HALLOWEEN!!!!! My favourite holiday in the history of holidays (bar christmas) a reason to sit and read horror books such as Stephen asking or Neil Gaiman, a reason to cuddle up on the sofa withOUT a pumpkin spiced latte (ew coffee) but a nice cup of hot tea, and watch hocus pocus repeatedly throughout the month, and also an excuse to dress up as anything you want! I'm not one of those girls who dress slutty for Halloween, and I never will, my boobs are way to big for all that shit, and I definitely think I'd suit a badass Jedi costume to a sexy nurse/devil/cat, some of the outfits nowadays are ridiculously slutty, I can't even look for a normal Alice in wonderland costume without seeing tits and ass, and the Alice I want isn't the blonde haired blue costumed cute risk taker, but the badass rage, black haired fucked up Alice. As I said, even if you don't go trick or treating you can still dress up on your own through the whole month. I'm looking forward to it lets just say that, but first lets get this operation over with, battle with it and succeed finally after 10 years, and if we fail we just stand back up brush ourselves off and try again!

After all that, I'm glad to get everything off my chest, and be able to chill out before I think of new things to write, hope you guys all stay hopeful in your lives and take every day as your the author to an amazing adventure. Don't worry you can use a rubber if you make mistakes, it may make a bit of a smudge but at least then you know not to do it again.

Stay rad dudes, your life is your own adventure!

MK x

 

3642 days, 54 hours.

3652 days of my life has been consisted of a constant battle with my heart, 54 hours in total of surgery for 6 operations which have not been successful but more helpful towards what is actually wrong with my heart, and a hell load of physical and mental recovery from it.

I was diagnosed at age 8 with Wolff Parkinson White Syndrome, which is a functional defect of the heart, not only was i diagnosed with this but three operations into it, atrial-ventricular tachycardia and supra-ventricular tachycardia soon established after my heart getting a beating from key-hole surgery catheter ablation. Not ONLY was i diagnosed with all of this, what started off as mum telling me to stop running about on the playground, to going to the doctors with an ear infection started off my life as a patient of Bristol Children's Hospital.

It has been an adventure, when i was a child i was so excited about all the different things that was going on during my stay at the hospital, patients who have been to BCH will agree with me that it is brilliant for the short adventurous minds of children, the colours and staff both having a great effect on us. Although by the age of 12, i started to understand more about what was going on, and how serious it could get after a few battles at surgery, i had to grow up very quickly for a 12 year old, and even though i knew i had it i still thought i could do all of the stuff a normal kid could.

If anyone from tewkesbury school can remember, i was chasing a friend of mine Jack Tharme around the playing field as he had my shoe, a normal thing for a normal kid to do as i wasnt such a girly girl but one of the lads i suppose. Although i seemed fine running after him and trying to catch up with him (baring in mind he was extremely fast), my heart gave up on me, i fainted in the middle of the field and i couldn't remember what happened from then, only that Mr McLemmon was wheeling me in a wheelchair through to reception where i found my mum and two brothers panicking, i seemed fine after that but it was the fact that my heart problem could effect me at any point, and when i fainted on that playing field i knew that my life had changed forever.

From then i started to learn about the stuff i could and couldn't do, the running about and playing sports i had to stop, and the doctors told me when i got older (my age now) i couldn't get a tattoo as it could be dangerous, or i couldn't drink or go on roller coasters, nevertheless i still did those things, apart from the tattoo im still waiting on that one, but i did. I challenged my heart on how far it could go, and yes it got me into trouble a lot of the time, but for a patient of a serious heart condition i think ive lived my life quite well so far.

When i was older, about 15 or so i started to search up my condition (dont lie people everyone does it even if they have a minor cough), i started to discover that many football players who die in the middle of the field had WPWS, but they never had the symptoms of it. Im a rare case in that i have always had the symptoms, and my symptoms have gotten worse over the years, but when i discovered about the footballers i felt really scared about what could happen to me if i wasnt careful. I also discovered that celebrities like Jessie J, Meatloaf and Marilyn Manson all have WPW so i didn't feel as bad then, apart from i have additional things ontop of it.

Youre probably wondering 'meg you haven't wrong in ages, why are you writing about this now?' The reason i started this blog was for me to vent, or take myself out of a different world to get away from my operation and problem, a year ago today i went into the operation theater for my sixth operation in which i thought would work, only to be woken up by shock and bed sores and to be told that it was unsuccessful again.

Now once i was older, at about 16 i started to get angry at the doctors, as every patient does. But when i woke up after this operation at 17 years old i told my doctor 'I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO, YOU SHOULD HAVE GIVEN ME A PACEMAKER'. Now by doing this it wasnt a great idea, but he completely understood and thats what i love about the two doctors ive had at BCH. When i went for my follow up appointment, to be told that i have to have another operation this year, i got very upset, and i never get upset about this, im usually quite strong minded and okay about it but i did, i cried my heart out. Because im fed up of being told continuously that my heart hasnt been fixed, and to live day in and out with a worry of 'am i going to drop dead?' 'is this going to damage my heart?'

Eventually my doctor said to me that there is another operation in which they want to try, its an 80% change of a pacemaker, so it will more than likely be that id get one, but it is the same as what they do on kidney stones, the radio frequency, only they are doing it on my AV node. Now the only positive thing about having 6 operations and none being successful is that they all helped to pinpoint the main problem in which my extra pathways were being made, my AV node. The AV node is the main point in your heart where all your beats come and go and the electrical pathways have to start from there and end there (in a way). My problem pinpointed down to the AV node, although this is extremely dangerous and difficult to get to and fix, they came up with a way that even if it does work it may shock the AV node back to normal, but it has more of a chance of damaging it.

My operation is either end of august, beginning of september, i dont know the actual date yet as i have to go for a 'pep' talk my mum calls it with my Doc, although i feel fine about it i still have some questions, but he said finally after 10 years and 6 operations, that this may, and will be the final operation whether it fixes the Radio-frequency way, or the pacemaker way.


In conclusion, id like to say ive never taken my life for granted, when i was a kid and was at tewkesbury school i was a dickhead at times, i was an asshole and a bitch and whatever else they could call me, my operations have damaged my grades, even though i tried as hard as i could, im still doing GCSE math now. I could have done so much better in school if it wasnt for it, but i dont think of the what ifs, and the what could have happeneds anymore. As an 18 year old adult, i like to think of every day in my life a gift, because if it wasnt for the doctors, the meds, and my mum i wouldn't be the person i am today. I am very thankful for what ive had in life, whether ive had friends that don't talk to me anymore, or friends that ive fallen out with, i still appreciate all the memories and stuff that happened, yeah i wish that some of us could have parted ways a bit easier, or could have atleast told me what i did wrong for me to not be their friends anymore but it doesnt matter, you win some you loose some.

I just want to be able to share my story, and to be thankful for what has come upon me even though its been a difficult ride. There are way worse people out there, alot which i have so much respect for and wish i could see alot more, like my friend Antonia, Antonia is probably the driving point for me wanting to fight these diseases and still be able to be happy, shes the strongest woman i know, and i love her alot. But i just want to give attention about the things that make both me and antonia appreciate the little things in life.


Thanks for reading.

MK x

ITS MAY | films & other fun stuff.

Well i didn't really keep my promise did i? writing blogs every so days.. congratulations meg you failed.

GOOD AFTERNOON FELLOW INTERNET FRIENDS. And welcome to MAY! well it seems like this has gone quickly, to think its coming close to exams now too, in college i feel like my life is just wasting away now, and its a constant repeat.

Today i'd like to take you on an adventure (pardon the pun), its officially the 4th of may whilst im writing this, {may the 4th be with you} on this amazing day i have failed to watch any star wars films, yesterday i watched episodes 1-3, but unfortunately forgot the DVDs to bring to my brothers house where im staying tonight, resulting in a supernatural night instead, not complaining.

Its getting there guys, not only is it the month of Star Wars it's also getting closer to summer, eventually well be there, FREEDOM I SAY!! well freedom for some, not for me, unfortunately another operation is ahead but thats for discussion later on!

May is also the month where its closer to new films coming out, among other things such as new games and exams (yay). Before i start i have already seen a bunch of new films including the new Avengers which personally i thought was amazing, although it was a bit jumpy in places and sometimes i couldnt keep up, i still enjoyed every single bit though as of course im a nerd when it comes to superhero films.

Here's a list of films coming up that im extremely excited about:

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)
Jurassic World (June 12)
Inside Out (June 19)
Paper Towns (June 19)
Pan (July 17)
Poltergeist (July 24)
Straight Outta Compton (August 14)
Legends (September 11)
Hunger Games: Part Two (November 20)
Star Wars Episode VII (December 18)
Deadpool (February 12)
Suicide Squad (August 5)
& Pereguins home for peculiars (2016 sometime)

And other ones that im not overly fussed with, im more concentrating on my TV shows at the moment as i have a list >> as you can see its very small, lmao dont worry i have enough time to get through them all, i dont do much with my life, and when i do it always involves one episode of my TV series' depending on which i fancy.

Not only is may the month where it gets closer to movies coming out its also the dreading moment of exams... now i only have 3 exams and HOPEFULLY finish early, if my crim teacher doesnt ask me to stay in, but i hope i do well, im not overly fussed about it to be honest but im ready for it. I hope it comes slowly though as my operation is coming up and that is something im not looking forward to, another more than likely 14 hour operation and a HELL load of recovery if decided upon a pace maker, when im on the table and nothing else has worked. See i still see the humor behind everything..

ANYWAY i hope you all have watched enough star wars to become a  jedi (or a sith depending on what floats your boat) and im going to hopefully finish them off tomorrow/wednesday and maybe start clone wars! Other than that nothing interesting going on.

HAVE A WONDERFUL MAY.

MK x

Little 12am chat | bad news.

Yeah okay don't moan, I know it's been a while and you've missed me but tough shit I'm a busy lady. Unfortunately the subject I want to talk about tonight never is a good one, and it never ends well when I try to talk about it. 

the reason I am awake at 12am on a college night, baring in mind I actually want to go to college tomorrow, is because I decided to be dumb as fuck and have an energy drink today. Now those of you who don't know or who have barely read my blog (shame on you) I have a heart condition, and what's one of the main things you shouldn't do with a heart condition?! Drink energy drinks! But hey who doesn't want a quick burst of energy during a dragging day at college. 

So yes I decided it would be a fantastic fucking idea to drink a monster energy drink (at least it wasn't red bull) but still, I was fine throughout the day buzzing my tits off which is supposed to happen but at 8pm when I'm trying to have an early night and settle down, I didn't expect my heart to do what it's been doing for the past 5 months anyway. 

As soon as I start to drift off to sleep, my heart decides to slow the fuck down, like waaaaay down than it should, and it decides to stop, causing a shock in my system waking me up EVERYTIME and everything going numb. People may now be going 'she's over exaggerating' well okay then you try having this for 10 years and not being fed up of it. 

what is upsetting me was I let myself have this energy drink, knowing that I shouldn't have, and knowing that it would turn out this way, even though I hoped I'd be okay, I'm not. And what makes me even worse is that it's my good friend Chloes birthday on Wednesday and tomorrow we were gna have cake and what not, giving presents etc. but my heart might not let me do that, I've been off most of this year from college because of this damned thing, and I'm pretty much getting angry and upset about it all the time. 

I can't control the way it works, it won't fucking listen to me, it'll never listen to what I tell it to do, all I can do is try and control it by taking tablets but clearly they're not working anymore either. 

It's a shame that I have to live with this thing, but it doesn't help that I make mistakes that make it worse, I shouldn't blame it really I should blame myself, and I am which is why I'm so upset, but I can't sleep and I'm terrified that if I do sleep I won't wake up again because it'll just stop.

I hope people understand.

MK x

Well fancy seeing you here | 19th January 2015 | in need of a catch up? \m/

Hello there fellow darlings.

Oh how long it has been since ive wrote an entry, i do apologize for the inconvenience i have definitely been more busier than i expected to be when i started up this blogging account.

As you all know i am a College Student, and its that time of the year when mocks and assessments are due in and are to happen pretty soon. For me i started up a new lesson which i was greatly excited about, its Criminology Unit 1 and its so interesting yet so prolonged, i dont know how i handle a full 7 and a bit hours of doing it! All worth it in the end though if im planning to go to UNI i guess. It consists of 2 controlled assessments in order to get a degree in it, the first unit you have to pass before getting into unit 2 (obviously) but its all quite simple if you listen carefully to watch the teacher says and study as much as you can. The 'exam' if you could call it that, consists of a computer based essay of a type of brief, weve been given what our brief would be about, which is Euthanasia (if none of you know what Euthanasia is, then google it, its such a wide range of words that i cant even be bothered to spell out but it is very controversial in some cases and such a good argument to put in an essay!), we have to write about the biological, individualistic and sociological theories that is based around crime, and also mention how to prevent it, or how to legalize it? this is the argument, we are supposed to show our opinions, and base it around our the way that they can be identified and controlled. Its all very wordy-wordy in a non linguistic way, but it is extremely interesting, and it is also extremely easy! if you know what youre doing obviously, because you can take in all the different types of notes, and textbooks and work that youve printed off for revision as long as you know what youre looking for! So thats one thing thats been keeping me busy, including the start of A2 Media!

There has also been a lot going on at home, as you know with my dad, and also with my 18th!, Christmas, New Years etc, all the main holidays that has passed during the missing days of my entries. So where shall we start?

My 18th was amazing, it was on the 20th of December, and i got spoilt by lew and my family, the thing is i didnt want to be spoilt i just wanted a happy day with the people that i loved, the turn out was much bigger than i thought it was going to be, alot of my brothers old friends came round my house before going to the pub, and both my friends becky and jess were there who made the party even better, a long with my mother getting very drunk and not leaving the dance floor! but other than that it was a wonderful day, i didnt do much else, it was my 18th after all and i didnt even get ID'd! the thing is alot of people asked why i didnt go clubbing, i feel as though a lot of peoples brains are clouded by the excitement of going clubbing, not only would it be uncomfortable for me to be in, because of the confined spaces, and no breathing room whatsoever, so why would i enjoy it? with my heart aswell as my small irritation level and the fact that most clubs in cheltenham are surrounded with people in tewkesbury id rather not bump into every tom dick and harry in the club thanks, id rather have a nice quite night with people i enjoy being round at a pub with a cold pint and some good humor, than get dressed up to a suitable level in which im allowed into an actual club, thats what annoys me, you have to have a certain dress sense to actually be allowed in, but anyway like i said i dont think i would enjoy clubbing, just being able to go to a pub and feel comfortable enough buying alcohol is what im happy about. 18 isnt a huge number in my eyes.

5 days after that it was christmas and what a day that was! we had the whole family over at 6oclock when conar finished work, again we had to wait but it didnt matter, we all spoilt eachother and i think we all needed it this year, weve all been through alot, especially with everything with archie and i got to spend his first ever christmas with him! he was so cute, although he didnt understand what any of the presents are he sure seemed excited about what was going on! he is starting to understand the means of his presents now though, for a four month old baby he is growing fast!! constant trying to stand up and trying to roll over the little bugger, but yeah christmas was great, mum made the best dinner as always because shes wonderful!

And a couple of days after that i was on the train to Bath with lew! first train journey and i have to say i did enjoy it in a slightly awkward way, i sat on the wrong way of the train twice, which made me feel extremely sick, but i enjoyed it, in some weird way a train journey helps to clear your mind in a weird way, just looking out the window and being on a moving train, and also sat with a book in my hands, its the calmest way to take a journey. Lewis booked an apartment in the middle of bath town center and it really was a beautiful place, we had to self cater but it was nice because it seemed as though we were living together and thats always nice, we didnt do as much as we wanted to but it was a nice new year spent, apart from lew missing the countdown, that was hilarious. We went into the town, bought alot of movies chilled out watching the movies, had alot of dinners at our 'local' which is what we named it after finalizing that that was the best pub around to eat and drink in, best woowoo's ive ever drank! and we watched the football and had our new years meal there and it really was a lovely holiday, a nice getaway from the annoying bussel of tewkesbury, although it was only two nights, but unfortunately we had to come home at some point and again it was a calm train ride home, weird waking up in my own bed still in some weird way as it seemed so much of my own in bath.

After coming home not much happened, apart from more ruckus over family matters, i dont want to fully go into it but its still not sorted, and just trying to get myself back into a college routine as it takes me so long to do so, i can never get used to the timings on having to get up, or what essays i have to finish, i feel as though i have way too much work to remember for my exams, at least one of them is a bit easier than the other, i also have GCSE to pass, which has already been messed up once again! The teacher we had, Ian, he was okay but before christmas he stopped coming in and at the beginning of january he didnt turn up at all, and therefore we didnt have a teacher, a few of my friends had a serious conversation with our tutors and attempted to try and get a sub for our lessons, and we finally had a lesson today, and the teacher was awful, we stuck on one piece of paper for the whole entire lesson, and you know what it was such a waste of time! all about angles and we didnt even get answers by the end of it! she was more worried about her pencil cases being in exact order as they were when she gave them out.

At this precise moment in time, im in bed in my pyjamas, writing this (obviously) and watching criminal minds, and even writing back on how my last couple of months have been, i really do worship the people in my life, and appreciate everyone that is in it, i know for my family it has been a rough couple of years, and i cant even begin to think our strong we all are, more than ever, and i think this year will be our year, it definitely will be my year.

Im going to try so hard to be happy this year, and try to get my life sorted, college, career and everything else, and i hope family will be alot happier and calmer this year, i cant promise it of course but there isnt much we can do apart from hope. I feel alot more happier, and we have a plan sorted for how were going to do things from now on. We're also going to Ireland at some point this year, to see the rest of my family and spend some time with them, which im very much looking forward to. And im happy because lew is going to texas to see his dad, and he seems very excited and happy about it, it may be going over our 4 years but truthfully i dont care, i feel like its gotten to the point in our relationship when if something that you are doing makes you happy, that makes yourself happy, and he is so happy to be seeing his dad (and eating the american food haha, thats why i love him). As you can see, me and lew are both very well and we're doing brilliantly:)

SO

I hope you have all enjoyed the lonnnnnnggg catch up of the last couple of months, and also i hope that you will all be happy to know ill be blogging as much as i can now! and i will start up my writing of alice again when i have some time!

I hope all of you havent forgot about me and are still interested in what im doing.

STAY RAD GUYS \m/

MK x