October. \m/

Ive wrote and re-wrote this a million and one times, and i dont think ive quite got the hang of going over everything yet, now im not going to go all doom and gloom on you, as it is my first favorite time of the year (both halloween and christmas this close together? WHAT CAN BE MORE GOOD). But its not like this has been the easiest start to the month me, nor my family have had.

As i spoke about in the september blog, which seems extremely long ago (apologies on my behalf), i was going in for my 'final' heart operation, final being the most stupidest opinion i could have on my health. Knowing me, i had a slight thought in my mind that maybe, JUST maybe this would work, maybe my luck would be upon me, and i wont have to deal with this retched thing anymore. Alas, my luck was not, as it never is, and im back to where i started. But its not entirely a bad thing as i will explain...

I went into hospital on the 24th of september, my nephews first birthday, in hopes that it would be the last time seeing the bloody place, i was first one in surgery and the last one out, 11 hours in total. (another couple to add to the time spent). The plan was to spend 4 hours on the left side of my heart, to see if there was anything extra that Doc may have missed, as that part was all cobwebbed up for the last 3 years since my last Doc took a look, then ablate the AV node and fit a pace maker, easy as pie aye? Unfortunately 4 hours on the left side turned into 8, twisting and turning round the canals in my heart with tiny wires trying to look for the problem they once knew was there, but all of a sudden (like i said knowing my luck) it had disappeared, whereas a year before Doc knew 'EXACTLY' where it was. So 4 hours turned into 8, and 8 hours eventually turned into 11, with the panic of my heart basically thought 'FUCK IT NOPE NOT TODAY'. My heart decided to swell up, and my blood pressure dropped to an unstable level, so the plan of fitting a pacemaker went out the bloody window. My Doc (lets call him M) was accompanied by my old Doc (and him S) who has been treating me since my diagnosis at 8 years old, and my old Doc made the decision to stop, and not go forward with the original plan, which im more happy with, as he basically saved my life initially, by not fitting one. Now i appreciate everything my Docs have done for me, but i basically agreed to have this operation in order to get a pacemaker fitted and have this finally out of my system and not have to deal with anymore, but unfortunately M had wrote on the consent form the exact same thing that was written on the last 6, instead of what was planned in session. Although i am extremely thankful that they did not fit one, as it would have been an extremely bad idea (one i didnt have consent, so i couldnt have had it, and two my heart was WAY to unstable as per bloody usual, something always happens).

Now that was my operation, recovery was even worse, after 11 hours i woke up in recovery with a canula in my upper arm (which they didnt decide to tell me about until i noticed half drugged up that my arm was swelled up to shit and bleeding on the inside, i continued to move my arm up and down like it was completely normal. BAD IDEA MEG), i started to puke a couple of minutes after waking up, after being given anti sickness meds, and new heart meds to try out (new old ones, ones that were used YEARS ago before the dreaded flechanide took control of everyones lives), i puked from there till i was back on the ward, puked a bit more, then was completely fine after a bit, after 4 hours of lying down for recovery of my leg wounds, i got up and wondered about a bit, ate some food, sat down on a chair, then all of a sudden.. BOOM, more sick. It was that type of sick you can feel being digested up your esophagus and coming out of your mouth in green anesthetic/food type sick, and that just let hell break loose, the sickness was that traumatic it caused my heart to go into tachycardia, up at 175bpm from 80bpm, personally i think its because i wasnt on my normal meds to begin with, but it could have been anything that could have started it off, like the fact that it got an 11 hour beating by tiny wires and people in suits and masks, we will never know, my nurse Nicky, and the night doctor decided to ring M and ask for his advice, his advice was to give me my old meds and leave it two hours to see how it goes, for two hours my heart was beating out of my chest like a baby alien ready to be hatched, and i was exhausted, and from 175bpm in two hours it went down to 168bpm... So the result in this BARELY working, was like the scene out of pulp fiction where uma thurman overdoses on cocaine, and she has to have an adrenaline injection, \/\/\/\/\/

that whole reaction of her getting up and screaming her face off, that was nearly me... nearly. They didnt stick a giant needle into my chest thought... Instead they stuck a giant needle into my hand canula and it was the worst feeling that i have ever had in my entire life, i felt like i was dying, it was a giant burning sensation from m bicep to the middle of my chest then my heart restarted itself. It was the worst thing, but it worked, and thats all that mattered, i was out of the 175bpm area, and back into my normal 70-80bpm, and there was no more discomfort.

Afterwards my mentality was that it would come back, i couldnt sleep for the next 4-5 hours because i was terrified that it would come back again and id have to have that injection, to this day, 4 weeks later, i still have that thought in my head before i go to sleep every night, listening to the beats of my heart to make sure theyre steady and not going to go all over the place, but im back on my old meds and thats all that matters.

The plan now? well i have no idea, both Docs came to the ward before i came back up to talk to my mum over a few things such as they now think the problem is on the 'outside wall' of the heart which makes no sense, as it has ALWAYS been on the inside, always on the electrical part not he functional part, but i guess this may be the new start to something, maybe something else has occurred over the years of beatings its had and my hearts decided to be even more complicated, but im now going onto the adult hospital, the years of childrens hospital is now over, and i will definitely dearly miss that place, its a lot less scarier than the adult one, and the nurses have always been stars to me, but the adult side is now the best side for me, im back to Doc S in his care, and were going to start from the beginning, ive also made the adult decision to try the new (old) medicine for a trial week and see if that makes any difference, if not its back to the drawing board which isnt necessarily a bad thing, a new stage to it i suppose one last massive fight towards getting the best for me, whether thats pacemaker or new meds, i wont know until the 23rd of December when i have my first appointment, in the big hospital, with my old doctor.

Not only that, but a couple of days after recovery i came down with a facial paralysis problem called 'bells palsy' i basically look like this on the one side, im on steroid tablets for the facial nerve and i
\/\/\/

have three days left of them, yet nothings changed, ive been reassured by many that it will go away eventually, but until then it is extremely painful, and difficult for me to talk, eat, and drink (is probably the worst, i dribble like a baby), but ill get through it... like i always have done with everything.

Im not going to lie, my mentality towards all of this has really thrown me off the recovery process, more of the 'organising what im going to do being fixed' next year plan wasnt the greatest idea for me to do the week before my 'final' operation. But im slowly getting round the fact that initially my doctor made the decision because it would have saved my life, so i have to live a bit longer with this problem, and maybe try new ways of fixing it and prolonging the fitting of a pacemaker, its lucky enough im still here after 6 difficult operations, its more important that im still here with the problem, than not be here at all, and thats whats keeping my head level. Not only that but my mum has been exceptionally great, i honestly dont know what i could have done without her, shes been my anchor for all of this, and helped me to keep my head steady along the way, although its been difficult for the both of us, especially her as shes the one waiting around for news, or watching me struggle with the things i have to go through but whatever happens shes always there, shes there when i wake up and open my eyes everyday, every morning being home shes there, and i wouldnt have it any other way, even if i do wake her up at stupid oclock in the morning because i 'feel funny' and cant describe the way i feel, she is probably the best woman i have ever come across in my life, not because shes my mum but because of her thought processes and the way she deals with things, i love her more than anything, and i cant express it enough, none of us can.

But apart from all that dribble, ive successfully started a new set of zombie books called Surviving the Evacuation (INTENSE AS HELL AND I LOVE IT), and ive also successfully watched half the halloween films on my list, depending on if im okay to go to it, my friends mum is having a halloween party and im invited, and i have my outfit (take a guess, go on guess... no idea? OKAY ITS HARLEY QUINN OBVIOUSLY)), but it all depends on how i do with college next week, first time back in 4 weeks and im extremely nervous but excited to be stuck back into the routine. I also have successfully passed my Criminal Psychology (NCC) Level 4 course, and onto the forensic science course, and also signed up for forensic psychology, and identifying the dead forensic course! So all in all recovery has been successful with work wise, but only merely successful with everything else.

Im doing fine, im exhausted, but slowly does it i can get better at my own pace, thanks to everyone who has stuck by me in the process of this, including my family and a small amount of friends, but something like this happening in my life has definitely proved some peoples care towards me and my family, and the sides that they have chosen, and for them (who probably know who you are) fuck you and have a nice day.

Stay rad guys, its October! watch scary films, eat a shit load of candy, get shitfaced (if your old enough) dress like idiots, hail satan, camp out at a graveyard, !!!!!!but do NOT mess with ouiji boards!!!!!! (i put this because its extremely important and i am highly superstitious, especially on halloween) and enjoy life whilst you can, i definitely take every day as a gift now, no matter what gets in my way, i know that im lucky to still be alive and breathing.

MK x